Friday, April 25, 2014

50/50

At this point in time everything is 50/50.
There might actually be something good behind the reality door.

I could be preparing myself for an adventurous future. It could possibly become a life of meeting stranger after stranger and cultivating so many relationships I can't keep count of them all. It might consist of moving to different places as my career grows, and doing many interviews to grow my brand. This brand isn't just about fiction of becoming a future author. It also has a sprinkle of journalism in it and a huge curiosity for other people's lives. So many lessons could come from the growth. I could also be building a huge home filled with depression to lay my head in years from now when everything looks the exact same. My luck could go either way.

I could wake up tomorrow and stumble upon the love of my life. Where would I meet him? The gas station that I frequent? In the midst of of a tiny car accident like the movies? He could turn out to be my next door neighbor that I just happen to meet and become real cool with before taking things to the next level. He could also be someone I already know and he just happens to find the right moment to speak up. Then again, another five years could pass by and I'll potentially still be single. There are many circumstances that could lead up to me always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. Only time can tell how it goes.

I often question why time leaves me so clueless. Why didn't it let me know that a moment would come where all the days started to blend together and everything would seem so repetitive? Or better yet, I could have been warned that the glorious life I've always dreamed about would still be a dream the moment I realized age 30 is closer than it appears. A paycheck only goes so far. The better technology gets, the less dream jobs actual pay people. You go from dreaming about happily living out all your fantasies to just wanting to survive the rest of the day. Becoming physically burned out is real. Bills don't stop. Credit reports mean nothing and everything all at the same damn time. People get mad at you for needing them and for not needing them. Fuck, Shit, Asshole, Bitch, and Hoe become vital parts of relieving stress.

And then when you stop to reflect on it all, you realize time is still going. I could never have predicted the age of 27 turning out the way it has, but time has taught me that I can't really control how it'll turn out down the road. I can only act upon my dreams and hope they become reality.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

It's My Body And I'm Ready To Expose It Again

Black shorts because I'm hot like that. 
The past couple days have been beautiful. I think Winter has finally decided to take a break for at least until December. So the sun is shining bright and the last couple days off have been filled with skin-exposing outfits. It is my body and now is the time to start exposing it again.

At one point in my life I couldn't stand to expose any part of myself. Even in 99 degree weather pants were my best friends. I was very insecure. Someone was always reminding me of how skinny I was and how I needed to eat more. I didn't want them to look at me and see only skin and bones. But as you get older, you also getter hotter. Well, it wasn't this hot outside when I was a kid. It felt like 70 degrees all year long, except when it dropped below 70. 

Then there was a point where I could expose either my legs or some cleavage. I was feeling braver, but still insecure. Sometimes our insecurity makes us do things just to see how others will react and the switching up from top to bottom was part of it. Now it gets so hot it feels like I'm in Hell and the only option is to wear as little clothing as possible. 
Put it on a shirt so they know its real.

At least that's the lie I'm telling myself. They say (someone says this) that as a woman gets older her need for sex starts to get stronger. She goes crazy with the rages, or is that just me? Since my mind is going crazy with all these sexual thoughts, it's only right my clothes fit the part. I'm not trying to get the first guy I run into in my bedroom, but I want to look how I feel. So I'm currently exposing as much as possible. I absolutely love my body right now. I love dresses, skirts, crop tops, and short shorts. Even when I've eaten a little too much and my stomach pokes out, that crop top is still cool. I still feel amazing. 

Okay, so I'm still a little insecure at times. Not because of my own internal thoughts, but how others may perceive my look. The internet is only a tiny window into how everyone thinks. Obviously people accept photo-shopped photos over a woman's natural look. This is interpreted as people seeing you and looking for flaws before they spot the beauty. Now if you make a sex tape and people see on you the street after watching it, you're a porn star. I'm just a girl who likes to show off my body while it still looks good. 

Although I've made a new goal. The goal is year after year keep dressing like this. If I happen to make it to Mariah Carey's age and still look this good, just compare me to her. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Kenya Moore And Her Unfortunate Victimization Game

When we first heard there was a fight that broke out at the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion show it was all fun and games.

We couldn't wait to see it. Questions ran through all of our minds. What happened? What did Kenya Moore say to push Porsha Williams over the edge? However since Kenya has managed to press charges against Porsha, all the excitement has gone downhill.

Well, then again there was some excitement when the mugshot was released. Ms. Williams took the most glamorous mugshot anyone has ever seen. Her black shirt blended perfectly with the background. Her makeup was on point. She didn't look upset at all. It was refreshing to look at, but then that actual fight aired.

If you watched it, then you can agree with me on this. The show was boring before Kenya finally got dragged by the hair. In fact it was probably boring because it was all about her. They talked about her dog dying, her pretend African boyfriend that no one believe is real, and they all argued with her. It was the mothafuckin victimization of Kenya. She was all of a sudden the good one on the stage surrounded by a bunch of vultures. I was annoyed, except for when NeNe told that funny story of meeting Kenya's supposed man.

Then the victimization drama became worse. Kenya accused Porsha of cheating and Porsha stood up. Kenya still had that damn blow horn in her hand. Porsha then accidentally exposed Cynthia's breast trying to get her to move and snatched Kenya by the hair. She dragged her until they were both on the floor.

Afterwards everyone came to Porsha's rescue. She was freaking out about her own actions. That's how you know someone has a genuine heart. Andy Cohen, on the other hand, was trying to play the middle man. A smile was huge on his face up until that fight. He was eating all the drama and props up. Then his emotions changed. He became the spokesperson for Bravo network. He talked to both women, but ended up dismissing Porsha from the show. It was horrible to see.

I absolutely hate how all this went down. They were so desperate for nice-nastiness and now it's lead up to cast members pressing charges against each other. I also had the fact that as mean as Kenya is, in this situation she gets to play the victim role up until the next season airs and she's rightfully doing it. She got dragged by her hair. This is a lesson that evil does prosper in a good way sometimes.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Why? (Poem)


This happens on way too many occasions.
"Have I already been where I'm gonna go in my life?"
Day in and day out I'm scheming
Working hard to take care of now
But still planning for much better 
A year from now can't wake up and see the same things
Meet a few more physical needs 
Complete a few more goals 
Be prepared to travel brand new roads 
Be able to smile and say I did a little more 
But I don't know why they try to hold me back
Its like I don't deserve a peace of mind
Everywhere I turn they trying to knock me down
With every step I take up, it's something I'm not doing right
Planning to have fun tonight, there's a problem with that
Wanting to make a little more money, she's so selfish for that
I don't know why the pain runs so deep 
What did I do to have strangers hating on me
Smiling in my face because we're at the same level
But laughing behind my back
They don't believe in dreams 
And why it's my own peeps that make me cry at night
I can still hear the echoes of yesterday
Internalizing being called weird 
And always being the one to disappoint 
The disappointments have floated into today
I can't speak up 
Can't say no when there's a need to be alone
Continuously stuck in the box 
Always getting trapped in my feelings
Do I have to make a play like Kandi 
Invite everyone from as far back as I can remember
Show them the damaged girl they've created
She's not a Bitch or a Hoe or a Thot
This is just a reflection of what you've created 
But why I'm so slum to the negative
I know I'm doing right 
On this crazy path there's someone I've inspired
But why I keep falling victim to others opinions
Is it because I'm just playing myself 
"Will everybody who doubted me finally be right?" 

Friday, April 18, 2014

The "How To Love Me" Cheat Sheet Challenge

Necole Kane (necolebitchie.com) has created a great idea for getting men to understand us more. The exercise is to have friends make cliff notes for the man (or men) who will try to win over your heart in the future. I think it's a cool exercise. 

Over and over again men keep saying we women are difficult to love. They can't figure us out, so we find ourselves single for another year. Or is that just my story? The problem is men don't know how to love us. Some approach every single woman the same exact way and that's just not how it works. Each of us has different values, different needs, and different paths we're walking down. 

For instance while I want to experience a family of my own, achieving my goals is more important. Take notes men. I hope a few of my friends will be willing to participate. Not only does this help men out, but it helps us women gain a better understanding of ourselves. 

Give 'Em Up (Poem)

I spelled them wrong on purpose. That needed to be said before anything else.

There's a theme to my poetry this moment. It's all supposed to be an ode to Hip Hop, but not just any Hip Hop. I'm honoring the current music. You know how they say Hip Hop is dead? Well, the poems I'm writing from the lyrics in our everyday music is supposed to prove that its still very much alive and inspiring others. Now the following poem is inspired by Spenzo's "Wife Er."

"I can never wife her,
Only one night her
Women full of lies"
So I contemplate if it's worth it
Never having real special moments
No dates in the park
And no fancy restaurants
Our friends won't officially meet
And no introductions to parents either
It'll be something like a secret
Rendezvous in the middle of the night
Cause sex is the only thing on his mind
So I contemplate if I can give 'em up
Next to sleep, feelings are hard to fight
But in order to do it
I'd have to put 'em to the side
But do I want to
Sex without love is just a distant memory
Almost surreal
You're supposed to appreciate the intimacy
But at the same time remember it's not real
And I don't trust him
Just as much as he hates me
I can tell he's a man full of lies
P.S. I'm mad he took the H off of her and named the song "Wife Er."

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Five Hour Phone Call With The Other Woman

Men cheat. It's been proven time and time again. They are also very sloppy when doing it. For instance, for no particular reason other than boredom I've been watching Black Ink Crew. If you watch it, then you're acquainted with the dysfunctional relationships. No one on the show has a relationship with regular problems; especially Dutchess and Caesar.

Caesar is the owner of the shop and Dutchess is always in competition for craziest girlfriend of the year. During the first season she did her best to reck every friendship/employee relationship he had. What we didn't see on camera was her heart issues and her miscarriage. So maybe Dutchess wasn't as bad as television portrayed her, but Caesar fucked up. He fucked up in the biggest way possible. The nigga cheated.

Caesar didn't just cheat. He was laid up with another woman when she called to confront the other woman. According to Dutchess, the other woman handed over the phone to him to prove what was going on. Then they had a five hour conversation. No, let me correct that. THEY HAD A DAMN FIVE HOUR CONVERSATION.

During the conversation the women exchanged many words. The other woman went on to say Caesar had told her they were eventually getting married. However, none of that shit matters. They stayed on the phone for five damn hours. Who talks to the woman that her man is cheating on her with that long.

How long would you have spoken to her?

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Or Nahh (Poem)

Via Fresh-Tops

Do you like the way I say your name…Or nahh…Trying to reach you on the phone, but only getting ring back tones…Leaving voicemails letting you know there's no one else on my mind…Do you like the way I sound…Or nahh…Thirsty for your attention…Faithfully waiting to be claimed…Can I be your wife…Or we can move slow and you call me Bae…Your power is so strong I just can't wait…Your money on my mind…Stacking seven figures a year…Your body so fine…Can you imagine yours on top of mine…Or nahh…You say you want a girl that does the most…Ride or die for her man…But you won't return that favor…A girl that's the best at sex…a Scorpio in her natural zone…Not the type you'll take home to mom…But you'll still disappear for days at a time…You sounding real funny…I am really what you want…Or nah!


I was looking for a picture to match the poem and came across a cool shirt. This shall be added to my wardrobe soon. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

Hold On Tight (Poem)

My Photo
Hold on tight
I'm not for the faint of heart
If you follow me, we're going for a ride

My love is not smooth
Can you handle bumpy roads
Dealing with ignored requests
I was too busy
I really needed to rest
Plus you're not the biggest passion on my list

And anger left unexpressed
It's the same shit over and over again
You made the plans
But when it was time to go on the date
You disappeared
Days later we pretend it never happened
Just like that girl I saw you with
Didn't we become official
I'm supposed to be your one and only
And yet I say nothing
Just let it all build up
Don't be surprised the day I explode

Hold on tight
Sometimes you'll be confused
As we're chilling at construction sites
Trying to fix the issues we have
Or at least see if they're fixable
Sure the sex is great
But after you've made me cry
And after I've called you every name in the book
Is love what we're really making

Hold on tight
You don't want to look like a weak man
Cursing every girl that comes after me
So angry with one experience you can't move on
She's not a Bird
Just another young black woman looking for love
So give her that
And don't worry about me
I'll be alright


Lost Souls, Coping With Words Ignored

As a writer I spend a lot of time thinking about words ignored. I've spent a lot more time thinking about this topic than anyone knows.

It's so easy to talk about because of ignored phone calls, ignored text messages, people being mean on social media, and bragging about being mean on social media. Sometimes people can be so cruel. They can say the meanest of words to others or they can be cruel just by ignoring someone. How do we know that the person we're ignoring doesn't need someone to just pay attention in that moment? I think about it every time someone says something so unnecessary online.

For instance, a girl got mad because people that she doesn't follow entered her mentions on twitter the other day. She thought it was funny to laugh at them, but it's called socializing. What's so wrong with that? I think about ignored words whenever I send someone a message and wait for a reply that never comes and then I think about them again when I make a conscious decision to remove any physical traces of those people from my life.

I'm not sure when evil became so popular. Maybe it was always like this and I just created this comfortable ignorant bliss of a bubble for too long. Actually society created the bubble. The world we live in gave ideas that everyone can seek help while leaving out the problems in getting help. There's counselors for all sorts of issues, but they're getting paychecks so they're not always available. Counselors disappear real quick when you have no money. There are pastors in every community, but at some point they have to take care of their own homes. There is your family, but often times if they think different they'll tell you to do differently than what you really need. There are your friends, but friends get busy. Sometimes friends need you more than they realize you need them. Then again some friendships are so fragile, they may never realize how much you are suffering. They're not trying to ignore you, but there are so many obstacles keeping them from paying attention to your words.

For a couple days now I've been thinking about the silence some people need help receive. I've also been thinking about the people that turn away from getting help to deal with their issues, and the ones who seek help but still choose to be lost souls.

For instance, after hearing about Karyn Washington's death I found myself messaging all these people asking if they were okay and how they were doing. These were people who purposely chose to pretend not to have my number, people who could have easily asked me but didn't, and just random strangers. I felt concern for them. I wanted them to know that I care about their words. I'm not the one that ignores people when they need the attention.

The crazy thing is my words were ignored heavily at one point. I was just a teenager, but that teenager had no one to talk to. That teenager would wait until everyone fell asleep and then cry herself to sleep at night. Sometime later a girl told that same teen that they thought she was very strong and the way she handled situations inspired them. They didn't know she was crying herself to sleep to cope with everything.

Even if I did have someone to talk to during that time, it probably wouldn't have helped. Crying myself to sleep helped a whole lot, which is why I have to learn to cope with not being able to help others. I can't always be there when someone else needs me. Just like a counselor leaves the job at some point, I have obligations that isolate me from them. I have to deal with the fact that like many others, I can comes across mean and unapproachable. You won't see me brag about ignoring any phone calls on social media, but there are days when my mood gets sour. I have to learn that I'm still coping with my own personal issues. Can you really help someone when you still need to help yourself?

How exactly can a caring person deal with knowing they can't always be there when someone needs them? It's easy to talk about it, but I don't want to beat myself up every time it happens.

This is the Sunday Reflections post I couldn't figure out how to write yesterday.