Thursday, June 26, 2014

Meditation Gone Wrong

"I had a dream that I fell victim to society's plan. I was 36 sitting in economy class."

She stood still in the middle of the park with her eyes closed. It was the perfect time to be alone. There were no kids running around and no people out walking. Her plan was to relax. Her plan was to block everything out, even if only for a moment. However, even with her eyes closed she still saw it all clearly.

The couple that sat near her in the movies cuddled up the other day played perfectly in her head. They reminded her that she was alone.

The Facebook friends that kept birthing cute kids floated around in her mind. There were so many pictures of babies. She had never met these people before, but they reminded her that she still didn't  have one of her own.

The people on LinkedIn who continually updated their brand new job descriptions jumped into her thoughts. They reminded her that for the moment her life wasn't growing. It had hit a level of stagnancy.

The comments from strangers on twitter one night still haunted her thoughts every now and then. They had attacked her for expressing her opinion. In an open space where at any given time anyone could say anything in 140 characters or less, they had become mad at one comment she made. It wasn't even directed toward them.

She contemplated removing herself from social media. She contemplated taking a break and locking herself in total darkness for a while. What if she avoided the movies? What if she never went to the mall? What if she didn't have to leave for a job everyday?

None of it would get rid of her goals, her dreams, the ideas that kept her waking up everyday. The picture was already painted in her mind of what she could possibly have. There was the perfect career that kept her happy and busy at the same time. There was the husband that catered to her just as much as she catered to him. There was the kids that were born into a loving union. There was also the realization that in the moment she had none of it.

She wondered what she was doing wrong. She wondered how much she would have to conform in order to see her environment change. She currently realizes she's in the seasons of unlimited questions. Maybe one day the questions will be replaced with answers.

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