Friday, August 31, 2012

The "Tamar And Vince" Show, Will You Watch?

Tamar and Vince Herbert have their own spin-off. In a short period of time Tamar Braxton has managed to become the most adored, annoying, and talented individual in the Braxton family. 

This title used to go to Toni Braxton, who had a countless amount of hit records in the 90's. Then there's Vince Herbert, who has been known as a very talented man for managing stars like Lady Gaga. He is also known as the man who has to deal with Tamar because he gave her a ring. After two full season of "The Braxton Family," WeTV is giving Tamar and Vince there own spin-off show. Watch the preview below. 

Will you watch the "Tamar and Vince" show? It premieres September 20th on WeTV at 10pm. Because I have this addiction to reality shows, I'll definitely tune in. 

Lloyd "All Of Me" Featuring Wale

I've loved every song Lloyd has ever put out. His new song song "All Of Me" is no exception. What do you think? This one is definitely in my freak list.

Pleasure P~ All I Need Is One Night

Thursday, August 30, 2012

If I shed Two Tears For Him, Poetic Letter

After several times of hearing DJ Khaled's song "Hip Hop," featuring Nas, I decided to write a response. It's too long to be a poem or song, so let's call it a poetic letter. 

If I Shed Two Tears For Him

And if I shed two tears for him, that would be the least that I would give to him. From cassettes to mixtapes and then getting lost within the internet he fucked me up, but I fell in love. A love so untamed he don’t even remember that I used to be what was up, and yet he’s still addicted, feigning for what he’ll never understand,  and yearning because he thinks with me he can still be a better man.

And if I shed two tears for him, I’d cry for the boy he used to be. Late nights next to the radio, on the phone with friends, he could hear me in the background.  But that didn’t matter. In his mind he couldn’t wait to get me all alone, maybe we could be friends, and eventually I would be all his. Wasting no time from the start he was making love to me, touching, discovering who he was in me. Together we discovered the meaning of freaking as we searched for the rawest parts of each other. He was looking to release unique energy, get hard, spread my legs apart, and experience something he’d never known before. But as I saw the talent within all I wanted was his heart.

And if I shed two tears for him, I’d cry for the talent he never learned to control. It was a rough start, two minds in two different places, but I was determined to become a teacher and get him to focus. And that was when the words started to flow “She used to tell me she was all mine. Now the only way I see the broad is online.” Initially the talent spilled, hours in the studio, his dedication I could feel. So with my loving I kept him going, telling him he was good, promoting his music, and counting the record sales. But competition hit, new men came into the picture, all wanting a piece of me.

And if I shed two tears for him, it would be for the woman he underestimated me to be. Competitive battles, new rhymes, new beats, and although he could compete he wasn’t sure he wanted to. And as my focus turned elsewhere, his money spread elsewhere. He met Champaigne, became tempted by two girls name Chardonnay and Alize, and was offered large sums of money to drink the pain away, which led to him eventually deciding he hated me. While these other men started playing me, he came up with words; ways he thought would taint me for good. “Wasn’t trying to claim her to myself, she’s yours. You can have her, she’s a mothafucking whore.” And he was right.

And if I shed two tears for him, that would be the least that I would give to him. I’ve been ran through. The men are still creating off of me, diving in, losing their innocence, and gaining money and the fame in the process. He’s there too. With all the names he can call, Bitch, heaux, shone, and gold digger. He fucked me up, but just like me he fell in love. I am Hip Hop. 

Hollywood Exes, What Is That Show About?

This summer Hollywood Exes was the newest reality show to hit Vh1. Is it me or does Vh1 keep the reality shows coming? 

Which show did they start with? Has there ever been a reality show break or do they keep coming back to back? Anyway, this is about Hollywood Exes. I started watching this show because it featured a fresh bunch of divorced women. Those are Andrea Kelly, Nicole Murphy, Jessica Conseco, Sheree Fletcher, and Mayte Garcia. Who they were married to does not even matter anymore. Every reality show woman has been divorced or kicked to the curb by some man. What the show was about seemed to be more important. In fact what was Hollywood Exes about?

From the title it is obvious the show was about showcasing exes of Hollywood stars. There were a range of them too. There were exes of singers, actors, and sports players. They were pulled from every popular area that we pay attention to. However, what were these women's purposes. One of them did have a purpose for the show, but did the rest? This is what I learned from watching Hollywood Exes. 

Andrea Kelly can dance her ass off. She got a big ass too. I would have never noticed if one of those episodes had not pointed it out, but the point is she can dance. Andrea's point on the show was to make her stance as a choreographer in California. That should not have been hard though, right? She was already known in the entertainment world for all her contributions. Did she stand out as an individual/good choreographer in California? I'm not sure, but I noticed a lot that Andrea Kelly can dance her ass off. Then there was Jessica Conseco. 

Jessica role on the show was definitely to be the ex-wife of Jose Conseco. It was evident from the first episode. There he was right by her side talking about family issues, discussing moving back in together, and then abandoning her once again. I'm not really sure what Vh1 told Jessica, but her role on the show was to be the girl that got viewer's attention. Although having her argue with Sheree Fletcher was not the way. 

Sheree Fletcher hasn't been married to Will Smith in decades. What was her role on the show? I'm still trying to figure it out. She was there, looked pretty, shared a memory of her and Will, claimed she could get ghetto, never quite did, talked about a hair product, and then the company she was trying to sell it to talked about changing the name. So if Sheree has a hair product on the shelves, we don't even know what it's called. So what was her really purpose? Can some help me out?

Moving on, then there was Mayte Garcia. Now this woman is supposed to be the ex-wife of Prince, but I don't believe it. I think Mayte's sole purpose for being on Hollywood Exes was to show that maybe she's secretly still married to Prince, or Vh1's idea was to make her look like an obsessed ex-wife. Which ever it was they worked. After all of those women, there had to be Nicole Murphy. 

Nicole Murphy is beautiful. In ever episode her beauty was shown off some kind of way. I was jealous. If she advertised anything or had any kind of purpose on Hollywood Exes I didn't notice. But I did notice that she was beautiful and 40-something. Can I look like that at that age? 

Well, if nothing else the hugest lesson I received from Hollywood Exes was the lesson of girl power. Maybe it was just me, but this seemed like a repeat of the movie Spice World, which was released back in 1999 or 2000. I received a lot of girl power from this show. Of course it will come back for a second season with added cast members. Will you be watching? 

Do these reality shows need actual points for you to tune in? 

Monday, August 27, 2012

This Is My Show~ Cashin Out #30in30

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Shaunie O'Neal and Mona Scott-Young worked together? There's a new show on the web called "This Is My Show" and it combines the personality of both women for hilarious entertainment.  "This Is My Show"  involves cast members poking fun at various Vh1 reality shows, such as Love and Hip Hop Atlanta and Basketball Wives.

In the very first episode the lead character Mona O'Neal (played by Tatyana Ali) showed the audience how she coaches the actors to be more ratchet for ratings. In the clip she tried to keep from laughing at her so-called friends as she forced them to embarrass themselves on camera. Now the second episode, called "Cashin Out," has dropped. This episode features more of actors Bresha Webb and Jameel Saleem expressing their ratchet love. It sorta reminds you of Evelyn Lozada and Chad Johnson, whose  love just ended with divorce papers. Watch the hilariousness below.

In case you missed it, here's episode one.

Music Video Usher Dive

Usher has released the visuals for his latest single "Dive." This music video drops right after he wins custody of his two sons after a messy case against Tameka Foster Raymond. I think Usher is really taking advantage of the current media attention he's receiving. This video for "Dive"reminds me of how sexy Usher is. Damn, that man is sexy. What do you think of the video?

Cassie Has Bags Full of Money, Rich People Sh*t

Model/singer Cassie recently celebrated her birthday. In the midst of celebrating she posed for a photo while holding bags of money. This wasn't the only money photo I recently saw.

 During a very awkward interview Childish Gambino tried to desperately get Chief Keef's attention by showing his photo where he posed with a stack of money. Chief Keef then showed his photo full of money and weed. It showed that they were both very rich, or seemed to be. But holding up stacks of money isn't the only way rich people have teased me lately.

Rihanna went on a three week cruise where she rented out a boat filled with only her crew of people. Also, on Oprha's Next Chapter she bought her mom a house. Shoot, I just put down rent on my first one bedroom apartment in the midst of the hood.

Wait, I could go on and on. The point is I wish I was like Cassie and some of these other rich people. They don't even worry about where their next dollar will go to. They don't worry about saving a dollar because they have too many more to replace it. I, on the other hand, continually struggle with money management, hoping it's all going to the right places, and having someone ready to take more of it away from me.

For instance my parents wanted to see my apartment, so I invited them over while I was surveying for any damages. In the midst of looking at my places, giving advice on what I still need to buy, and talking about how poor the complex looks my dad also tossed in that my car's registration (listed under his name) needs to be renewed as soon as possible. That means he wants me to pay him for it. Ugh, how much money is in my savings account again?

But I don't want to go through life worried about if I've saved enough. I want three week cruises like Rihanna. I even want three month explorations through Europe. I heard it has to be at least three months to get the full experience of being in Europe. I want to be able to buy myself a house before considering buying someone else a house. The best thing ever would be having a birthday where I had bags of money to do whatever I wanted. People like Rihanna and Cassie are lucky. They get to do all the rich people shit while a girl like me stresses because she didn't plan for paying $65 for a tag renewal on her car.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Sunday Reflections: What Am I Afraid Of? #30in30

What is there to be afraid of? 

Today I went to do an inventory of the place I'll be living at in less than a week. Most of it looked good, but there were a few problems. The kitchen light needed changing and the microwave was broken. They're minor problems, but upon seeing them I instantly became afraid. What if I messed up and signed the lease to a horrible apartment? What if it's the start of more issues to come? Did I make the right decision? 

Then there were the sinks in the bathrooms and kitchen. They've been covered with paper, so I haven't looked at them. A fear is keeping me from looking. What if the sinks are in horrible condition? What if the water runs horribly? I tested out the toilet and it was just fine. Then I quickly surveyed the rest of the house a couple times. Everything looked good. There was no reason to worry, but I did. That's not the only worry that's gripped my mind lately. 

There's also this fear of never meeting a man that's compatible to me. See I have a job, a car, and about to have my own place. But that companionship is missing. I don't know if I'm ready for a full blown relationship, but having a man around to talk to and cuddle up with would be very nice. I'm afraid that maybe he does not exist though. They say that after so many experiences maybe it's not the other people anymore. Maybe you're the problem. So I keep thinking that maybe there is something about me that keeps me single. Could that be it? 

In the midst of moving, buying furniture, calling energy companies and cable companies I've been excited and overwhelmed at the same time. In fact all of these emotions make me wonder if my fear is legitimate. Could I just be getting worked up over nothing? By Friday it'll probably all die down. I'll be able to breathe easy, right? Or will new fears pop up? 

I'm trying to work on getting rid of all these fears, so the happy moments can shine through more effectively. After all I'm moving into my very first one-bedroom apartment. They apartment complex calls it a loft. 

Saturday, August 25, 2012

#30in30 Just When Thoughts of Love Hit

Everything is pretty good right now. I'm moving into my own place and have a job that will help me afford all that comes along with having your own home. The only problem is I'm definitely this crazy relationship in my head with thoughts of love. Yeah, we're in our own separate relationship because it's not a love of a certain man, or a potential man to love. It's just random thoughts of loving some man. It's also random thoughts of why I'm still single and some of the men in my past have went on to confess their love for other women. So, yeah I'm in a relationship with love. Recently the thoughts of love had hit a major high.

See, there's a man. He's cute and I'm slightly interested in getting to know him better. Actually I'm even interested in just taking up his time during moments of boredom. So lately I had been thinking of dropping the shy talks and just getting to the point. Getting to the point is an aggressive move and ultimately snatches some power away from him. So I was thinking about doing this and in the process asked a couple of people for advice.

In the midst of all this I've been making sure everything is prepared for my big move next weekend. Well, Friday to be exact I will be moving into my brand new place. Although this wasn't an original goal, I'm putting off moving to California for a few more years. Okay, California is where the thoughts of having my own place and the problem with thoughts of love intersected and became a problem.

I was talking to someone who asked if I was excited about my move. I am very excited. Then she through this into the atmosphere.

"I'm guessing that'll b your place, till u meet the right guy and ya'll decide 2 go for the plunge?"

Immediately I was thinking "Hell No" in my head. As much as I want a man and a family, it can't happen in that order. That is unless he is willing to drag himself and our child out to California, New York, and various other places. There are no plans to be still in the near future for me. Now see just when I was falling in love with the thought of having a man there someone had to toss that into the atmosphere. Men, kids, and settling down. Now I have to reevaluate it all again.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Single Girl, What Do These Men Want?

Ever since I could remember I've been the single girl. Even in the midst of friends, I've been the single friend. There have been women around me that quickly hopped into relationships. How they did it is a mystery til this day. Maybe it was voodoo, magic, or even really good chemistry. I don't know, but they met their men, hopped into relationships, broke up, and found a new man the very next day. I, on the other hand, watched, took notes, and stayed single.

Of course I've met men and done the whole dating thing a few times. It's only remained a few times because there were very few that actually brought up the idea of going out somewhere. There was one who went with me to poetry night. He didn't even care for poetry, but when I told him I wanted to go he said he'd go with me. That same guy went with me to the movies a couple times. Then there was another one who took me to a few different places he was cool with just because he thought that was what a boyfriend does. Now there was another guy that I used to chill with. I was cool with not going out with him. He was broke, a constant college drop out, and had a daughter that needed his money. However, none of these men or any of the other men I've talked to really made it official with me.

Well, one made it Facebook official, but even he doesn't count. He thought I was a bad girlfriend because I didn't cater to his needs enough. The other ones claimed they liked me, but I don't know what happened. All I know is there was man after man, then silence, and then a couple more men, but I was still single. The men came, but the title still stayed the same which makes me wonder what did they want from me.

One of DMX's most popular lines is "What they really want from a nigga?" I'm wondering what these men wanted from me. What made them talk to me in the first place? Was it my looks? Could it have been my intelligence? Did I have "easy" and "vulnerable" written across my forehead? Even if they didn't get anything sexually, the played with my emotions. They fed me with broken promises and failed to cater to my needs. If I wrote a poem, the man interested in the moment didn't bother to read it. If a guy told me he was interesting in dating or getting to know me, when I was ready to leave the  house and have some fun he was nowhere around. If I told the guy of the moment I wasn't in a sexual mood, he stopped talking to me. If I pursued, but then backed down the guy in turn stopped communicating. For him to so easily stopped talking, what made him answer during the times that I was aggressive? That doesn't even matter.

I'm the single girl. I've always been the single girl. One day I want to create that love that Betty Wright describes as learning her man while she's earning him. However, with this pattern I've fallen into of always being single even while dating, how do I change the outcome? I need new Facebook official boyfriend. Wait, I need more than that.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Brandy Wildest Dreams

I'm so glad Brandy decided to release a second single from her album 2/11. For the last couple months it seemed like she was going to sing "Put It Down" until the world ended. Anyway, what do you think of "Wildest Dreams?" I think it sounds like a 90's song. 

Finding Knock-Off House Of Dereon Clothing #30in30

The fall 2012 clothing line for House of Dereon has officially been released for viewing. It's no surprise that these clothes are cute, but I'm guessing they're super expensive too. Have you ever seen someone wearing House of Dereon other than Beyonce and the models? Check the photos.

Fall 2011 Collection
I'm still in the midst of upgrading my style. It's a must, but a poor girl like me has to do it on a budget. In the fall 2011 line there was a jacket Beyonce wore. I want that jacket, or at least a knock-off version of it. The goal in the near future is blue lipstick (for fun) and some knock-off House of Dereon clothing. If you're feeling sincere, then help me out on the conquest.

The Last Dream Before Dawn #30in30

"The Last Dream Before Dawn" just became my favorite book. I've learned a valuable lesson. Just because it says "Zane Presents" does not mean it'll be some sex filled novel. Nope David Valentine Bernard stayed as far away from sexual conquests as possible and dove into real  life issues among African American people. The images he painted in the book are still dancing around in my head. 

"The Last Dream Before Dawn."

After reading this novel I'm wondering what was on Trayvon Martin's mind right before he was killed by George Zimmerman. I'm also curious as to what was on Chavis Charter's mind when some cop shot him in the head while he was handcuffed in the back of the vehicle. Those Arkansas police think we are all dumb. They're the only ones that believe it was a suicide. He didn't even write with him right hand. How could he shoot himself in the head while his hands were tied behind his back with that hand? Nah, those police are only fooling themselves. Wait, I'm off subject. 

The reason those two fairly recent cases have been bought up is because of a scene in "The Last Dream Before Dawn." During this scene a teenager goes to the police department to clear his name as a criminal. He didn't even fit the description of the actual criminal. They just had the same name. On the way there his mind can only think of having sex with a cute classmate. In hopes of feeling himself inside of her he hurries to the police station. However, once there they have no respect for him. One specific cop persists to beat him for no reason. His mom is right behind him to defend his innocence, but the cop attacks her too. Then the cop pulls his gun out and shoots the mom and her son. He had no reason to do it, but because of his actions two African American lives were gone. Damn...

See this author D.V. Bernard has me caught up in deep thoughts. "The Last Dream Before Dawn" was just the beginning. I'm about to buy the rest of his books one by one for some good reading. 

P.S. I've read other books in recent weeks, but this was the first one that I felt strongly enough about to create a post on it. Plus I'm still doing this #30in30 challenge. 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Newsweek Tells President Obama To Hit The Road #30in30

Do we need a new president or not? That's the official question because election season is in full effect.

We all knew this election season was coming, but I still didn't expect the arrival. With protests against Chik-Fil-A and a very well scripted reality show called Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, I thought everyone had lost focus. Well, the energy is high in the air now and in the last couple days a lot of political drama has hit the news.

It started with Mitt Romney announcing Paul Ryan as his vice president candidate. In case you didn't know, Ryan is the Republican who wants to get rid of Medicare and Medicaid for future old people. As crazy as that news was, it was actually boring compared to the messiness that came next.

Somehow in the last 48 hours a big debate has sprouted up about legitimate rape. I'm not sure what the difference between regular rape and legitimate rape is, but I peeped some discussions on twitter. Apparently according to some Republican legitimate rape is when a woman's body does not react in a sexual manner to a man forcing his penis in her. Apparently to some of these men, we're supposed to build up resistant genes that stop it from happening. Anyway, the Republican's comments were deemed inappropriate and started an outrage among news watching American citizens. While watching the news a couple hours ago that same Republican apologized for his rape comments, but it doesn't change that fact that he thinks that way. Since these Republicans seemed to be digging their own graves, someone had to shine the light on our Democratic African American President.
Niall Ferguson, Read Article Here

"Hit The Road Barack" is in big white letters on the current issue of Newsweek Magazine. There is no sugar coating behind. However, there is a name in tiny letters of the author that wrote it. His name is Niall Ferguson and he think Barack Obama has not delivered on the promises he made four years ago. I honestly don't care what the article says. I'm just surprised someone in high areas of Newsweek approved that cover. There's nothing journalistic about that. It's makes Newsweek look more opinionated than Fox News.

Well dang, if they keep it up I'll stop watching Vh1. What do you think? Was that story appropriate for the cover page? Are you going to vote? Do you even care who becomes president for the next four years?

Monday, August 20, 2012

Victim Of His Words #30in30, Poem

Here's a new poem for you all. Please give feedback. 

Victim of His Words

Becoming a victim of his words
Looking for  female companionship
That was the phrase he used
Some male company 
That's what I need
Physical and spiritual needs haunting me
But he's looking for a girl to chill with
Have great conversation
Claims he doesn't want anything serious
But when those sexual cravings hit
He'll be delirious 
Picking up the phone
Ready for me to say come on

Forever alone
Falling for a love I can never own
"Girl I met a great guy"
Wait no
"Mama I want you to meet my boyfriend"
Oh shoot, never mind
"Everybody, look at that ring"
But that'll never happen

He entices me with his feelings
Saying my new hair color is sexy
And all that reading I do he likes
He's mentioned that I'm his type
But he needs healing
He's confessed that he's tired
The world stresses him out
Then there's no sex available
No female around for him to lean on
So he turns to the blunt
Even when he tries to quit
He keeps going back
He confesses that he needs a quick fix

Forever alone
Falling for a love I can never own
"Girl I met a great guy"
Wait no
"Mama I want you to meet my boyfriend"
Oh shoot, never mind
"Everybody, look at that ring"
But that'll never happen

But I allow him to suffocate me with his words
I can tell he's been hurt
As his broken promises flow
He says one day he'll do better
Just the two of us dinner and a movie
Maybe a picnic in the park
Or like kids we'll go to the skating ring
We'll skate until our feelings become too strong
Then when we can't take it anymore
We'll find a quiet place to let out our moans
But they're just words
I want to believe in his actions
But seems like he gave up a long time ago

Forever alone
Falling for a love I can never own
"Girl I met a great guy"
Wait no
"Mama I want you to meet my boyfriend"
Oh shoot, never mind
"Everybody, look at that ring"
But that'll never happen

Falling into victimization 
It started with physical chemistry
And some mental compatible-ness  
Continued with broken promises
And escalated with no actions
Only words to show his attraction
And although I'm alone
Still single
The words he's used
Looking for female companionship
Gives me a little hope 
One day he might actually change

Brandy Put It Down In Music Video

Of all the women I can remember looking up to as a young kid, Brandy stands out most. That's because she had a hit show called "Moesha," which took up every kids Monday night. Because of Brandy my first celebrity crush after R. Kelly was Q. Do you all remember that sexy roughneck? Brandy taught me how to crush on cute men, showed me that teenage years were difficult, but then she disappeared. 

After a certain amount of bad press and no good music, Brandy disappeared for a while. At some point she became as relevant as the rest of the 90's singers that stepped away from the microphone. However, Brandy is now trying to make a comeback. If I was a kid still I'd welcome her music with open ears and enough cash to buy her album. However, I'm not that kid anymore. 

Ever since she appeared back on the scene the journalist in me has been questioning her talent. Does Brandy still have the voice? Has her skills gotten better? Can she dance? Can she compete with the new younger artist? Well, she finally released the music video to "Put It Down" and it looks like Brandy is competing pretty hard for her spot. Check the video below. 
I loved all the different weaves she was wearing. The dances were cool and the video looked fun. The journalist in me is still skeptical, but the kid in me is excited for her return.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Teach Me How To Love #30in30 Repost

In the midst of struggling for a topic the only one that seems to cross my mind is love. Well, there's also lust and the possibilities of just having a man to chill with. These thoughts keep haunting my mind, so I decided to go deep into the blog posts to find something that matched my mood. Well, I found a poem written by me. It's called "Teach me How To Love."

The following isn't exactly a mood for love and lust as we know it. I wrote the poem more about my career struggles because that is where I was a little over a year ago.

Long ago Music Soulchild had a hit song called "Teach Me How To Love." Then last year both K'LA and Lil Wayne had hit songs called "How To Love." None of the songs gave real examples of how to do it right. They were made to express how the artists were feeling at the time. So being caught up in the lyrics, I wrote my own poem called "Teach Me How To Love." Since I still haven't gotten it right just yet, here's the poem again. I'm pretty sure many of you haven't read this one, so here it goes.

Teach Me How To Love 
Teach me how to love
Because all I can see is rain
Every time a thunderstorm hits I pray to drown
Wash away all this pain
Cause failing hurts
Getting a F 
Or rejected at a job interview
Being fired
Told you’re not good enough
Or even to good to be there
Must depend on other’s 
Cause all you know is you can’t make it on your own
You’ve been proven wrong
Only way to make it seems to live out someone else’s dream

Teach me how to dream 
Cause I’m losing sight of my own
Used to close my eyes
See girls that could fly
Girls who changed the world through babysitting
A girl who found hope in the skin she was in
Girls begging for change
Discovered men who enticed me with strange words
Suicidal girls with magical powers
Boys who could predict the danger of their fathers
Saw men who died and learned to live again
And discovered people who lived out their wildest sexual fantasies

I dreamed
But somehow I woke up
Now everything seems unreal
Looking down watching a girl who’s confused
She did everything she was told 
But then started feeling used
Used by those that influenced her 
Told her all she had to do was listen and she’d make it
Shouted at her for failing
Not what they wanted
Not who they thought they knew
Not the girl they’d spent so many years molding
What did they do so wrong to make her turn out so confused
They told her to peacefully dream
So why did she wake up?

Teach me how to drop down to my knees 
Cause I’m not really confused
Just don’t know how to get to where I need to be
In my own world dreaming peacefully
Where’s the girl who could get lost in a book
Who found solace in made up words
The one who cried 
Because her book was tossed outside the bus window
Secretly hiding for hours doing nothing but writing
No one would understand 
But everyone would be ready to clap their hands
Or hold up their shakers the minute the words left her mouth
Where is she?

Help me drop down to my knees
Find the girl I used to be
Someone told me you could make it happen
So I’m begging
Please help me find me

Teach me how to love
Unless you feel I’m doing everything right
Give me some advice
Teach me how to care
Remind me of those that are there
Bring up my achievements
Motivate me
Teach me how to love me

This is a Sunday Reflections post. It was originally written and posted inn July 2011. 

Friday, August 17, 2012

Letter To My Younger Self #30in30

This is not the exact letter, but one day I do want to talk to my younger self. I want to relive some cool memories, go over a few painful moments, offer some advice that no longer matters, and just laugh in the end. Lots of people are doing it. I think the trend started with the fabulous poet Maya Angelou. She wrote a beautiful letter to herself as a child, but I'm not Maya Angelou. What would I say to that girl Lashuntrice from the past? 

Don't listen to other's advice. Is that what I would say? I remember someone telling me to speak up more, but when I spoke up they weren't around to listen. The ones that were around didn't care so much. 

Live a little more. Should I tell my younger self to do that? When I was a kid at one point I decided I wanted to purse art for a living. Yeah, I wanted to be an artist. This was the one time in my life that I could remember family members paying attention to my goals and acting on it. Several family members bought art supplies for me, but then my mom got in the way. She decided the supplies was too messy, so none of it ever got used. I had this goal, but in an instant it died before I could act on it. No, I'm lying. When I had a chance, I signed up for an art class in middle school. It really helped me to decide not to pursue that goal. I did live some, but was it enough? Should my younger self have been doing more self fulling fun activities? I don't know. 

Be more flirtatious. Could this have helped me a lot? I'm 25 and single. As a kid my cousin and I was playing Simon Says with some boys one day. 

The weird part about boys is they always seemed to be around back then. They lived across the street, down the street, went to school with me, an were my imaginary friends. Yes, my imaginary friends were boys. Now back to the story. 

One of the boys said "Simon says bend over." I was prepared to do exactly as he said when my mom came out of nowhere and pulled us girls into the house. Ever since then I've had this awkward approach to dealing with men. What if my mom would have never interrupted that day? If you're laughing, don't do it. This is serious. Maybe if my younger self would have been more open with boys, I'd be in a happy relationship right now. Or I'd be a heaux. Who knows? 

Honestly I'm at that stage of life where I'm trying to figure out who I am. Who is Lashuntrice Chevelle Bradley? There's no real advice I could give my younger self. Then again if I was forced to give advice I'd tell her to do everything that same way. Despite my quarter life crisis stage, I really do love everything about myself. 

This really wasn't that letter. Maybe it will come one day. I just have a lot more living before I could tell my younger self where I went wrong, or how it was all done right. 


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Nicki Minaj, I Want That Platinum Blonde Wig #30in30

This post is not for you all. Instead it's a letter to Nicki Minaj. See over the last couple months I've noticed her platinum blonde wig. It stands out in the crowd. Anyway, I need to let her know how I feel about it. You're invited to read. She probably never will.

Dear Nicki Minaj,
I want your platinum blonde wig. Well, not the one on your head, but I want one like it. Over the past couple of years you've worn many wigs. There was the black and pink one, a pink one, the blue one, a green one, and a rainbow wig. Then you appeared with this platinum blonde wig on. While the others were clearly odes to what other celebrities have done, this one stands out in the crowd. Maybe you've even done this color before, but it's definitely different. It might be the very bright color, or the big curliness of it, and it could even be that it just fits your image, but I love it. Nicki, I'm stealing your style and wearing this wig soon myself. Now the only problem is I'm a dark skinned woman. You're very light. It'll probably stand out on me in more ways than it does on you. Anyway, lets find out.

A Wig Style Stealer

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

B I C T H~In That Order, Lessons From Reality TV

People like Mona Scott Young, Shaunie O'Neal, and whoever is over Real Housewives of Atlanta have made it their life goals to showcase just how dumb African Americans can get. No wait, they're educating me on lifestyles I never knew could exist. Every time I want to give up on television, they do something new that leaves me in awe. For instance "B I C T H, in that order." What the hell does that mean? My eyes are way more open than ever. Reality television is teaching me new things. Below are just a few lessons I'm learning from watching Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, other reality shows, and reading the tweets/news stories that follow.

"B I C T H, In That Order"~
Old pimps don't know how to spell.
I think it was episode nine of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta where Momma Dee decided to give us a vocabulary lesson. Just in case you don't know the background on Momma Dee is she pimped out women (maybe men too), sold drugs, and possibly did drugs to feed her family. With all the pimping and drug handling you'd think she'd be smart. Nah, in the midst of calling Erica a Bitch Momma Dee spelled Bitch wrong. She said "B I C T H, in that order." Damn, now I know pimps can make money, but they probably can't spell it.

There is reality in reality television.
The latest reality involves Evelyn Lozada and Chad Ochocinco Johnson. On Saturday they were involved in a domestic dispute where Chad decided to use his head to hurt Evelyn. Well, he headbutted her. This led to an arrested. The arrest led to him losing his year contract with the Miami Dolphins. Then after that the Chad and Evelyn show was cancelled by Vh1. This is when I thought it would all end, but instead the drama continued. Yesterday Evelyn decided to become an example of domestic abuse and simultaneously decided to divorce Chad. They've been married for only a couple weeks. The thing is although they are reality stars, none of this was recorded for television. So there is reality in reality television.

Other real examples have been the twitter arguments between K. Michelle and every other reality star, the interviews Joseline is now doing where she calls herself an international pop star, and those red bottoms Chrissy (Jim Jones fiance) worse during the first reunion of Love & Hip Hop.

Yes Chrissy, I remember those shoes. You see the red bottoms worn mostly on video vixens, but that was my first time seeing an ordinary woman rocking a pair. Despite dating a rapper, the shoes weren't even new. Chrissy worse those red bottoms on that reunion show, let that worn color show, and everyone knew she was getting her money's worth. What's more real than some old red bottoms?

Domestic Violence Is A Joke
The statistics are real. Every nine seconds some woman gets physically (or verbally) abused. However, lately domestic violence has become a huge joke. Last Saturday when Evelyn got headbutted, Eric Williams (Jennifer's ex-husband) was one of the biggest advocates of cracking jokes on her. He laughed at Evelyn in every way he could. Then there were many other people on twitter who joined into finding ways to make fun of the situation. Wait, this only happened a few days ago.

There is also K. Michelle's situation. Someone (a girl) actually told me K. Michelle should get over it because it only happened once. Then there are many others (such as her cast mates) that believe the abuse never happened. Since when did we tell women who've possibly been knocked the hell out by a man that we don't believe them? This is the biggest reason why I absolutely despise Mona Scott Young now. This woman invited an alleged abuser on a reunion show to confront the woman he possibly abused. Nah, these people aren't taking domestic abuse seriously anymore.

There are more lessons I've learned, but I'll leave you all with the above. Plus there are going to be way more lessons that come up and they'll make "B I C T H" look irrelevant anyway.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Please Don't Date Me #30in30

Please don't date me.
Sometimes I wonder if it's written across my face. Even when a man sees me from far away, in the midst of his stare sometimes I wonder if I accidentally let it slip out of my lips.

Please don't approach me.
He looks with admiration, but doesn't budge from his location. Instead he mentally rapes me. Up and down, from head to toe, his eyes study my body as I study him. What does he see? Is it the short dress I chose to wear out in order to impress some single black man in hopes of getting a phone number, a call later on, and maybe some interesting conversation? Could he see a single black woman with signs of desperation written all over her? Maybe he sees a woman that clearly doesn't get out much. As I fidget with my phone, pose for the camera, and take pictures with friends, I can still sense him staring. And I wonder if he can read my mind.

Please don't get too close to me.
My guard is up, but still I'm craving his attention, his touch. The way he licks his lips, the way his eyes roam from my breasts to my thighs. I wonder if he can read my mind. Whether my place or his, it's been too long. I want him in a bed. Thoughts of sex invade my head. I know he's thinking it too, but can he read my mind? In an instant our sexual chemistry could go far, but my guard is up. It'll take some time for him to get to my mind. It would be a challenge if he's down. And I wonder if he's on the same page as me.

Please be interested in him.
It's written all over his face. He wants me to give him the time of day. He's scared, weak, and his heart's been broken. Plus whether in a relationship or in the work place he's tired of hearing he's not good enough and he doesn't know if he can handle it anymore. However, once again his interests have been peaked. And he wonders if we can meet halfway.

Please approach him. I can see it written across his face. He's waiting for me to make the first move. "Hey, how you doing? What's ya name?" Everything about him is saying come his way.

Please hold his hands.
If I can just go toward him, then maybe we can be friends. After that it can become more than. His guard is up, so he'd be a challenge. But with my guard up, maybe we can compete together for each other. But then again, could it all be too much.

Please be my significant other. We've barely met, just happened to cross paths, haven't even spoke yet and too many thoughts have ran across my mind. My guard is up. Yet I'm weak and desperate. And in that same instance I wonder if that's what's holding him back. Did I let it slip out of my lips before we even had a chance to meet? Please don't date me. I have too many insecurities.

Fashion Moment, Billionaire Boys Club

I want Teyana Taylor's "Billionaire Boys Club" shirt. Seriously, that message speaks volumes and the shirt is cute. It's probably super expensive though.

If I ever get my body into a one of these shirts, you'll definitely see a picture of it.

Monday, August 13, 2012

I'm Just A Girl #30in30

 I wrote this after listening to a song. It's titled "I'm Just A Girl," but really it's just some free-writing. Read, give me some feedback if you like, and the song is after the poem.

I'm just a girl
Tired and broken
Could never live up to other standards
Makeup too loud
Hair too wild
And when I finally speak up for myself
They just tune me out
Confused and misused
Too many friends have turned into enemies
Trying to fight back tears
Created by a world 
That act like they never knew
He called me beautiful
But then started dating her
And the next guy liked long haired girls
Too bad I cut it extra short
And then another one had too many insecurities
So he tried to blame me for everything
For 18 years they built a dream in me
The next five years they planted a seed in me
But then they stopped seeing the need in me
So many goals 
And yet I'm still never where I want to be
25 years young
But I'm starting to feel like an old soul
Add up the happy times
and multiply it by stressful days
Writing my heart out to go unnoticed
But hoping no one sees anyway
Because just like that one guy
I have my own insecurities
I'm just a girl
Tired and broken
And I don't know if I can take anymore 

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Jeremih ~ Fuck You All The Time Ft. Natasha Mosley

After several times of listening to Jeremih's new song "Fuck You All The Time" I still can't decide whether I like it or not. However, if I did have a man this would be on the playlist of music to listen to while with him.

Accidents Keep Happening, Sunday Reflections

Two days ago an accident happened and I didn't know how to act. Lately my world has been going good and four days ago I received very good news. It's that life-changing good news. I'm moving into my own place soon, but as good as it is this accident had to happen. It involved my car and another car on a five lane road.

Five lanes and my car has to end up in an accident with this other car? Could that have been prevented? I can't help but wonder if it could have. Two weeks ago I also locked my keys in the car at work. It was definitely not done on purpose. The door wasn't even all the way closed. A co-worker and the security guard worked together to get the window down so I could unlock my car door and get the keys out. Wait...

These accidents don't happen out of time. Sometimes I go weeks, or even months, with nothing bad or good happening. Life just passes me by. I go to work, come home, get driven crazy by family members, talk to friends over the phone, and disappear into a world of boring-ness. However, when shit happens it seems so big that it overshadows all the good and definitely the boring stuff.

The worse part of this experience is these accidents make me paranoid. They make me nervous as hell because once one happens, I know that there's a potential for others happening. Like this car incident happened two days ago, but what could happen next?

I'm sitting on the bed right now. If I decide to get off will it be an easy step to take or will I lose my balance and fall onto the floor? I might go back outside later. Will there be a swarm of mosquito's waiting to leave bites on my skin? What if in the next couple of months I meet the man of my dreams? Will we have a night of wonderful passion that leads to a baby? Ugh, now that's what people call a freak accident.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm just a paranoid person that really needs to learn how to concentrate on all the beauty around me instead of the bad. Now if another car incident, tripping over thin air, or even getting my heart broken happens, well it's just an accident. Nothing serious, right?

Friday, August 10, 2012

And He Found Her... #30in30 Double Up

In the midst of a moment someone had to snap a picture of the two of them kissing. He moved on and found her.

He was a guy I used to deal with. It would have been nice to call him my boyfriend, but the relationship didn't progress that far. In fact it wasn't even a relationship. More like something built out of desperation to not be alone for a moment's time. And then that moment ended.

I don't know about him, but I was left thinking what happened. Why couldn't he at least call to be cordial? Speak, dammit. I tried to speak on several occasions, but the biggest fear was getting no reply back. That happened sometimes. Then I stopped torturing myself all together. The sound of his voice and his text messages vanished.

He could have disappeared and then I could have played as if he never existed if it wasn't for the damn Facebook. His name is still on my friends list. It has been all along. Why is it there? Most of the men I used to deal with on that kind of level have managed to vanish as if they never walked the face of this earth. I don't run across their names on Facebook, twitter, LinkedIn, or anywhere on the street. They're gone, but he's still there and now he's kissing her.

The two of them kissing in some cute sickening couple picture doesn't bother me. Whatever I felt for him died along with those unanswered texts and the promises he never fulfilled. What bothers me is that while he's moved on, I'm still stuck in a the same single zone from a year ago. Only there's no man around for desperation. I'm just alone. Plus I don't know how to deal with it.

He, along with other men that have caught my attention and kept it for a minute, have found new chicks and are adding the titles all us girls want to have. I, on the other hand, am still trying to figure out what I do wrong to make these men not want me as their girlfriends. Am I difficult? Am I too caught up in my dreams? Is it that I don't cry enough? Lil Scrappy used that as one of his excuses for Erica. Is it because I'm short or am I not pretty enough? I really don't understand why in their eyes I'm always seen as less than the next girl.
I'm a really good woman. What do I have to do to get that Facebook/Instagram/Twitter picture kissing a man I'm in love with? Okay, I'm hopping out of my feelings now. This is weird. Despite the video of Da Brat above I just got through listening to a bunch of Plies songs.

Oh and this is a double up for the 30 in 30. I'm not writing Saturday.

Don't Wake Me Up #30in30

I finally signed a lease. By the end of the month I'll no longer have to deal with bossy rude roommates, brothers bursting into my room, or living under my parent's roof. For two whole years I've been waiting for this.

No, I'm lying. For two whole years I've been waiting for my escape to move away to a far away place and start fresh. However, that still seems like an impossible task, so I'm pushing it back it a longer. Well, a year approximately since that's how long my lease will be.

There's not much freshness in this experience. It's 20 minutes away, but it'll be just me. I get to decorate my place how I want, adjust the temperature to my liking, and even maybe walk around the house naked if I want. I've heard of women doing that before. They're alone, so they just strip and enjoy their own company. Plus all the responsibilities of rent and other necessities fall upon me.

This is the part that most people hate, but I'll love it. I'll love taking a part of my paycheck and handing it over for my own comfort. Someone once said that a place of your own is where you can feel the most freedom. Freedom has been running from me for a while, but I've putting on my running shoes and I'm starting to catch up. I'm excited.

Maybe I'll meet a man and he can be invited over. We'll re-enact the scene from Love and Hip Hop Atlanta where Benzino and Karlie chilled in his crib and did that nasty kiss. I want it all and the nasty sloppy kiss will be the icing on the cake. Then again, I want more than that. We'll have to re-enact the scene where Benzino talks to Karlie about her career dreams, but my man will be saying I'm the best already. Wait, ignore all that. I've been single too long.

As excited as I am, I'm also scared. What if something goes wrong? Unemployment is real. What if something happens and my cash flow stops? I need the money. What is being alone isn't everything I've imagined it to be. Shh, don't tell anyone but I'm afraid of silence. This is the reason why I always sleep with the television on. There's comfort in noise, but anything is possible in silence.

Okay, I'm not sure what I'm talking about anymore but August 31st I'll be moving into a new place with "Lashuntrice" as the renter. I'm happy. I must be dreaming. Please don't wake me up.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

If I Could Be Rihanna For A Day #30in30

Rihanna is not going to be a spokesperson for Nivea anymore. For some reason they said her image didn't represent their family values. Maybe it was the barely dressed outfits she's turned to in the last year, or it could be the weed she chooses to publicly smoke now. Then again it could be the thug life image she's desperately trying to display. Either way, that contract is not being renewed. However, Rihanna's pockets are not hurting. The girl is rich. Wait, this post is not about Rihanna's money or her losing a control. Sometimes I wish I could be Rihanna for a day.

Nah, I don't want all the money in the world. Nor do I want all that fame. That must be a mess to never have any real privacy. I definitely don't want to be reminded that at one point in time another person I was dating kicked my ass real good. Nope, I don't want all that. What I want, what Rihanna has when the public is not shading her or stalking her every move (well sometimes in the midst of the stalking), is freedom.
She can be the wholesome good girl if that is who she is. That's the rising star with the island accent we were introduced to back in the day. Okay, while the song "Unfaithful" was about cheating, Rihanna's image was squeaky clean at the point and we loved it. We ate up her clean image, because in essence she was an innocent 16 (or 17) year old being introduced to the world.

Then Rihanna can be a wild girl. She can strip down to nothingness, pose, and the world watches in amazement. She can sing about wanting the roughest of sex, sleep with several men that are also friends, and have them fight over her in public. She can publicly smoke (not that I'd ever want to smoke), claim thug life, and do three week cruises on boats that she rents out for her crew. Even more when it is clear that she is having some kind of crisis where finding herself is important, people pat Rihanna on the back and let her do whatever it is she needs to do. That's freedom.

If I could be Rihanna for a day I'd take advantage of all that freedom. I'd live out my wildest fantasies, sex that guy I've been dreaming about, drink of bunch of Parrot Bay's (that's my favorite), and most importantly search for what makes Lashuntrice a very special woman. That's what Rihanna is doing.

She is searching for who exactly she is. Maybe she is the good girl she started out as in the media, or maybe Rihanna is a thug. Either way, she's having fun and discovering herself. I'd do that with my freedom. I'd discover exactly who I am and what makes me special. Is it this writing talent? Is it my quickness to be obedient? Is it because I know how to function in the midst of loneliness? See if I was Rihanna for a day I'd find it all out.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

#30in30 Questioning His Tweets

All it took was one tweet and there he was again. Tweeting down my timeline, he was saying a bunch of irrelevant things.

Yet, the curiosity in me was forced to try to figure it all out. Money, cars, hoes, beautiful women, gold diggers, never being self less, always staying selfish. What the hell was he talking about?

I even saw a tweet from him about Gabby Douglas hair. Why did he, a straight black man, notice what was going on with a 16 yr-old's hair? I wanted to know, but didn't know what to expect. With the quickness of the reply button, writing an intelligent question, and publishing it to the world, except straight to him where everyone could see, he was bound to reply back and say anything to me. Who knows?

It could be an intelligent response, or my mentions could get clogged up with disses first from him, and maybe even some from his friends. They'd insult my hair, make-up, name, and even unborn baby just because they could. But they'd never answer my question.

Were they insecure? Is that why they spent so much time on social networks daydreaming about being rich, taking advantage of women, and complaining about women being Bitches? And if they thought dealing with a Bitch was stressful, then why did they prefer two women over one? They'd never answer the questions. Why did they think light skinned women were better than dark skinned women? And when they did meet a woman they claimed to love why did they tell all these lies about wanting to give her the world, but was afraid to reach in their pockets for even a McDonalds Happy Meal?

And there it was. Another tweet he put out talking about how black women treat him wrong, but what was really going on? Did he really feel as used and abused as I felt confused? If I asked a question, could he successfully respond in less than 140 characters? Or would it take several tweets of less than 140 characters for him to accurately get out his story?

And then if I responded to his ignorance, would some sexy chocolate black man jump in my mentions and say I was wrong for ignoring the good black man? And there was a tweet. Some black man who thought of himself as good wondered why women ignore his chivalry to pay attention to the male hoe. And it's true. The bad really does outweigh the good when there's more bad than good.

And then I wondered what would his confessions do for me? Nothing, at the end of the twitter conversation I'd still be single. So I stayed silent, decided not to hit the reply button, and my mentions stayed empty. But I'm still curious.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Domestic Violence Is Real, Give K. Michelle More Respect #30in30

Whether or not K. Michelle was abused by Memphitz should not be a debate. Whether physical or verbal, abuse is a real issue.

The preview for the next episode of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta show K. Michelle really letting down her guard and talking about how she was physically abused in a relationship. Then it shows underground rapper Rasheeda telling K. Michelle that she doesn't believe her. This doesn't surprise me. Since the premiere of LHHA I've seen so many stones (in the form of words) thrown at K. Michelle for her confession.

This show wasn't her first time diving into her past dealings with abuse. It's been thrown around in some of her songs, such as her version of Lil Wayne's popular song "How To Love."
However, now in 2012 whenever the past issue is brought up in an episode of LHHA someone decides to throw a bunch of hate toward K. Michelle. Why do this? Why throw verbal hate to a woman who was physically abused and is trying to move past that phase in her life? Abuse is real. Below are some abuse statistics from a website I pulled from google.

"Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.

Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs."

K. Michelle did say that her abuser spent a lot of her money and affected her singing career. After reading that are you still going to argue with K. Michelle's story? Would you go to the hospital that the woman who was just brutally beaten by her husband/boyfriend was in and laugh at her? This show may be entertainment, but remember that these people's lives are real and there are people living similar stories to theirs.

I'm not an expert in this subject. However, I just feel that a woman suffering from a lot of pain, or even a little pain, should be comforted, pushed forward, and not have to continue to receive any more abuse after already being hurt.