Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Getting Older And Becoming More Self Conscious

I should be concentrating on the fact that I want to start writing for other websites. I should also be concentrating on creating content to submit to the websites I know I want to start writing for. However, there is a bigger issue on my mind. It's the feeling of being self conscious.

I'm self conscious. There I said it. I'm aware of my beauty, but I'm also aware of my flaws.

Maybe it's because I've spent the last 10 years digesting tons of thoughts on the internet. People have so much to say about other people's looks. There is the continual light skin vs. dark skin argument, which has actually made me become more sensitive about how others perceive my skin tone. There is also the continual argument of skinny women vs. thick women. In the past couple years it's really become about thick women, which I'm not one of them.

Maybe it's because from the time I was a little kid I remember people talking about how skinny I was or always pointing out that I wasn't eating a lot. They weren't telling me that I was skinny in a way that they wished they could be. They were saying it in ways that suggested I needed to gain weight. Actually at my current age I'm loving my figure more than ever, but in the back of my mind I still hear the childhood comments about my weight.

I'm most self conscious about my career. I still have this determination to become a paid writer. I want the art of writing to pay my bills one day, but that day hasn't come. I'm becoming more afraid to really express my dreams and aspirations, because it seems like in 2015 and beyond people are so focused on what hasn't happened yet. For instance I've had these amazing experiences in the past couple of years, but I went to visit family during the summer and they wanted to know when I was going to publish a book. A few asked and that was what they cared about most. They didn't want to know about the amazing experiences I've had or how I finally accomplished this beautiful goal of living on my own.

I'm currently more aware of myself and my surroundings than I've ever been. That is actually why soon I'll be ready to release my book, Woman Manifested. It captures my awareness in the form of success and romance and it's inspired by Jill Scott's Womanifesto. The name might change, but that's what I'm going for now.

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