If a person is called weird more often than they are called cool, they will eventually see themselves as weird. We don't realize it until we've internalized it. I didn't realize how weird I was until had gone through years of internalizing how a majority of people around me thought I was weird. Growing up I can count on no fingers how many times someone called me cool to be around.
I was the girl spending hours outside in the hot sun just because I was bored inside. Sometimes there were others to hang out with. Other times I'd grab my bike and ride around in circles. Since I was an only child the first 10 years of my life, I learned to play alone. I'd also grab a book and read through an entire 300 or 400 pages while sitting under the heat.
Most of the time I was the nice girl. Do you remember that nice girl that you had wrapped around your fingers up until the point where you were tired of being friends with her? I was the girl that was way too nice and then blindsided when people came hard with the disrespect.
More than anything else I've always been the girl no one really defended. Well, people agree with me from time to time, but no one has ever confronted anyone doing me wrong. That last part is probably my fault and I'll explain later.
You're probably wondering where "weird" comes in. When I was the always-happy child I was called weird. When I started to become very quiet and keep my thoughts to myself I was then weird to everyone around me. When I was keeping my head in the books I was weird to everyone. When the sexual conversations started to flow freely around me I felt weird because I couldn't initially relate.
As you get older you start to realize how much you have in common with everyone else, but at the same time all the pressures of the past still haunts you. All the name calling is still in your mind. You can't just block it all out, because it's become a part of who you are. I didn't realize it a long time ago, but being called weird molded and shaped who I am today.
I'm a 27 year old woman. When I look in the mirror sometimes I see beauty, see perfect imperfection, someone that every man would be lucky to have. However, more often than not I see a weird girl. I see a girl who has to try 10 times as hard as anyone else to be on the same level as everyone else. I see a girl who people see as irrelevant up until the point where they've pushed her to the edge of the cliff. In order to function she has to always be standing at the edge of the cliff.
This is just the first post. Throughout the month I'm going to explain a whole lot more of myself to you. Hopefully together we can have a conversation about how self esteem gets shaped by all kinds of outside factors. Your self esteem does not just appear out of thin air one day. I'm also going to have guest bloggers on this topic. They'll really give you their experiences and their current struggles. Stay tuned.
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