Friday, May 1, 2009


Every time I mess up I re-evaluate myself. Every time I lose a friend I re-evaluate myself. Every time I receive a failing grade I re-evaluate myself. Every time I meet someone and they do not like me I re-evaluate myself. Every time I'm put into the spotlight I re-evaluate myself.

I try to judge myself before anyone else, because when I mess up or when it seems I've messed up I want to be able to recognize the problem. I want to be able to repair it without anyone pointing it out to me, but it hurts.

It hurts badly when I can't recognize the problem myself. I've been told not to blame myself for every bad situation I'm in. I've been told that it's not always my fault. However, my willing to perfect myself makes me blame myself.

I have to admit that 2009 has been the hardest year for me. I've never had so much trouble just dealing with one class, the men are the same as they have always been, and I find myself spending more and more time alone. More time alone seems to give me more time to re-evaluate where my life is going.

In this year of 2009 sometimes I feel I have grown because I'm smarter (thank you TV News), wiser (the internet blogs have opened me up to a whole new way of reading and understand, and stronger because I'm realizing my capabilities.

On the other hand, I'm scared of the world. My struggles in Tallahassee, Fl. are starting to make me realize that once I leave I'll be susceptible to a lot more. There will be happy times, but there will be a lot more painful times (lots more tears). SCARY!!!

As I'm writing I'm re-evaluating my life some more. I'm trying to stop. Remember the days when we were kids and we could brush every worry off within five seconds. Can sometime tell me how to do that again. Tell me how to stop the evaluating and the celebrate the moment. Enjoy the moment in time I am living in...

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