Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sunday Reflections: Cute Men And Broke Qualifications

Today I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure what for. All I know is I woke up and the tears started flowing.

Last night I had a dream about being asked on a date. The guy in the dream was not black (don't  judge) and really nice. He wanted to take me to grab something to eat. He wanted to put a smile on my face. In another part of the dream we had the best sex ever. I don't know why it went from eating to having sex, but that's how it worked. The sex was too good though. I could still feel it when I woke up. The crazy part of that was I had a twitter mention of a friend telling me that men want to have sex and not talk on the phone in the middle of the night. Could I have seen that message in the middle of the night and subconsciously added it to my dreams?

In other news I'm doing more apartment hunting. Unfortunately the apartment hunting is in a place that I do not want to be. Every time I try to brush this fact out of my mind, a reminder occurs. Yesterday it came in the form of two ways.

One was rental history. I've rented before. The apartment in Tallahassee was rented by me and paid for by me. It was all my name. However, that was several years ago and the agent informed me that people look for recent rental history when they lease to you. Now why was I always informed that it was only based on credit before? Why did no one say that you need to keep keep renting in order to look good for the next place? Did they not think it was important? Did they not think I was going to eventually try to get out on my own? Sometimes I do have fantasies of disappearing from this stupid ugly world, taking a great vacation, and then reappearing to something way better. That's unrealistic though. I'm so tired of being held back.

The other way is broke qualifications. Yes, broke qualifications! You've seen those people that grow up in a middle class family, are able to afford to go to college, take out loans, and actually graduate. Yeah, that was me. But then you see those same people doing extremely well. That's not me. College (in its current state) actually adds to broke qualifications. You graduate and have barely put in real work to society. All you have to offer is a huge skill set that everyone isn't able to have. Everyone hasn't worked hard enough to gain. However, society pushes you back and says you're still not good enough. You've done everything right and years down the road you're still struggling. No one calls it struggling though until you reach out one day and try to go for one of your goals. Then you're reminded that you're broke.

So as I was talking to this rental agent she brought up broke qualifications. Those weren't her exact words, but that's what I heard. She asked me how much I make a year and I told her. Then she came up with what kind of housing I qualify for. If I made a certain amount (over $27,700) then I'd be expected to afford anything. However, since my lifestyle is below that she (and others) see me as broke.

A long time ago I made a plan. That plan was to become someone I could look in the mirror and be pleased with. During that time I set clear, multiple, and changing goals. The clear goals were what directions I wanted to go with my life. The multiple goals were the ways of getting there. The changing goals were the options I had of how I could accomplish my clear goals and the different places I could go and still reach that. Okay, this actually came from the book Ada's Rules. Rule 2 is make a plan: set clear, multiple, and changing goals. But I can honestly say I've been doing it for years.

However, the battle of accomplishing my goals is not really with the outside world anymore. It's also within myself. I've found myself setting new clear, multiple, and changing goals. Most of these have absolutely nothing to do with what's been in my heart this whole time. Is it right? Should I give up on what I've always wanted? Should I aim for something new even if I'm not sure I want it?

They give us this guideline to life. We follow it thoroughly. For some people  it works. For others (like me) it fails miserably and gets thrown in our face. What do we follow when the original guidelines seem to keep failing? How do we smile when inside we're really confused? Where is that cute guy from my dreams? He took me out on a date and gave me great sex.

For some reason I'm about to push the publish button. Maybe a year from now the secret to overcoming will have been discovered and I will be able to see my growth. Or maybe a year from now I'll wake up crying and write another post as random as this. Why knows?

1 comment :

  1. One thing I love about you is you are so committed to finding an apartment and you have made a plan. It looks like it's working. I hope it does.