Untitled (Running From The Relationship Idea)

He said he didn't want a relationship.

His words: "I'm not trying to be in a relationship right now."

It seemed as if the words came out of nowhere, but at the same time was completely expected. I knew he would utter the words. It was just a matter of when. He didn't want a relationship. He didn't want a commitment. He didn't want to feel tied down to some girl. However, he didn't realize something.

I already knew what he wanted.

I'm not dumb. I've played this game before. He's a man. He sees a pretty girl. He's enticed by her pretty eyes, slender figure, and nice attitude. Wait, maybe he doesn't notice the attitude. Maybe he only picks up on a few details about her. All he needs is a few details. Is she fun-sized or a big girl? What is she wearing? How dark or light skinned is she? How much make-up does she have on? Is she interested in him? His hormones are racing. He doesn't know how to just walk away. So he sets the mood for a brand new game.

Sometimes I think it's me and sometimes I know it's just the timing. In the very back of my mind I know I don't have to go for this. A girl like me can go into the world, explore, and possibly find true love. Then again I don't even know if the love of some man is what I even want anymore.

I want the sex. I want the conversations. I want the dates. I want the feeling of him thinking I'm special for that particular moment. Even if they each come from a different man, that's what I want. However, I'm not sure if I want him to start loving me for who I am. Or maybe because I've never had it, a fear of what could be has been built up.

But why fear love? That's not a question I really have to answer right away.

Lately I've been trying to figure out who (other than myself) am I writing for? Well, I write for the heauxs and the lost souls trying to figure themselves out again.