Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Mid 20's, Starting To Feel Free

"I don't ever feel pain, because I done felt too much pain."

It's been a while since I shed tears. Maybe it was the beginning of the year and maybe it was last year. The pain was real. A lot of tears fell. Most were in complete darkness while everyone else was sleep. 

"Pain is joy when it cries."

Something changed. The years between 23-25 was spent with my parents trying to change my every goal, every dream, every hope for self pleasure. Going to grad school was their priority. Staying away from school was mines. Getting a great job at some bank, accounting firm, or anywhere that required hiding from the world all day was in their plans. Getting all the knowledge the world was willing to give was in my plans. Destroying my every happiness for a smile on their faces was in their plans. For me, especially at the age of 23, and a lot of 24, wallowing in depression was my game plan. I wasn't happy. I was a broke girl living with her parents and struggling to figure out how to make it on her own. Their opinions only made things worse. Even if they were only trying to help, it did me no good. But something changed. 

"It's no risk without gain."

Maybe it was that trip to California. That's my dream place to move. Or it could have been saving up for the Hawaii trip. Then again way before then as I made money, I stopped asking for money. And as I stopped asking for money, I learned to stop asking for approval. I don't need anyone's approval to find my happiness. 

"It's a match made in Heaven. All that's missing is the reverend. All that's missing is a blessing."

I never let appreciation hit. I felt that if I gave into appreciation of what they had done for me (even if I needed it), I would be giving up on me. So I somehow, well with the help of friends and strangers, learned to start believing in me again. It's still happening. It's a long journey. 

"I hope God gets the message."

I'm on my own now. I work a lot, write a lot,  party as often as possible, drink alcohol straight from the bottle, flirt with a lot of men just because, then find ways to get to lose my number, eat a lot of fast food, go to lots of nice restaurants, and rarely ever cook. My apartment is clean and rarely quiet. The television stays on and I'm up all night. I have a goal to watch the sunset rise at some park one day. All of my good friends live in other states, or are too far away to see. I'm tired of people who don't appreciate me for me. It still catches me off guard to find out I've created fans just from posting my poems on here and Facebook. All my life I've been taught to be responsible. At 26 my mindset is more about creating fun moments than being totally safe reliable independent woman. But I am independent. Don't get it twisted.

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