Saturday, October 27, 2012

Not The Girl Of Their Dreams

Why do I remember them when they don't remember me? I wasn't the girl of their dreams. None of them.

Not the one in elementary school that I was infatuated with. He grew up to be very sexy. Not the one in middle school that was my musical creative. Well nothing about him screamed attractive, but he was the look-a-like of a cool rapper. Why do I remember him? Not the 9th grade crush that eventually got married. I haven't seen  him in years. Although he doesn't matter, why do I still remember him? Is it because he's a part of my past? Do these guys deserve to be engraved into my memory bank?

There's that one I met in 2006. It started with online flirtation and was never meant to go past that, at least not for me. But we ended up meeting in person. A friend thought it would be a good idea. While I don't remember the exact date I remember the location, the table we were all at, the way he smiled at me with familiarity, the way my heart beat fast and wouldn't slow down for a couple minutes, the way I kept hoping no one would notice my nervousness.

I've never been the best when interacting with men. At least not ones where my feelings got caught up. My parents never gave me the talk. Could that be the problem? I really do have issues with expressing my emotions. I don't know how to approach them, or compliment them, or even seduce them. However, I'm a great listener and have a really good memory.

I remember the first kiss and the second kiss too. Two very different experiences. That first guy that took me on a date. Even the crazy guy that I spent all night walking around FAMU's campus with. It was an experience to cherish.

He was sweet at that point. However, his craziness eventually showed and one day we just stopped talking. He disappeared faster than he showed up and sometimes I question whether the memories of him are even real. But they really did happen? He really was a couple years older than me living in a college town, but not going to college. I really did decide to give him a chance. It wasn't about looks. He really did get sensitive when I called anime just a cartoon. I really ditched him one day to chill with one of his friends. Whatever we had started didn't matter at that point.

I remember the other guy who to many was my boyfriend. Our short relationship was really about all cuffing season. He had someone to call his girlfriend. There was that first night he took me to a hotel room and we had amazing sex. Amazing. But just as amazing as the sex, and just having someone to call a boyfriend was, it ended. Cuffing season was over. But I still remember him. Why? His feelings were hurt. He was angry. He broke up with me, stopped calling, and deleted me from social networks. But wait, that doesn't matter.

I'm not the girl of any of these men's dreams. Even when I talked to some of them, my phone barely rang. It was the other way around. So why do I have all these memories floating around in my mind? Has any woman met the man of her dreams and forgot about all those men from the past? I would love to do that.

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