Sunday, October 14, 2012

Sunday Reflections~ Being Different

I'm different. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm different, so you should pay attention to me. I'm not like those other girls, the sad women, the always happy women, the naturally glowing women, the women desperate for attention, the ones with no talent, the ones with all the talent, the ones that "wow" you the moment you first lay eyes on them, or the envious women. I'm different, right?
I keep trying to convince myself that I'm different. I'm not like you. You know all the answers to your life, but your life isn't mine. You have thoughts I'll never be able to comprehend. I have questions you'll never be able to answer. I'm different, right? 

I'm different. That's why unlike you my love life is on pause. These men have come around, but in the end they try to treat me the same as all the other women they've dated. So I've stopped for the moment. I'm different. I deserve romantic dinners and being accompanied by a lover to the movies. I deserve moments alone and also moments of being introduced to his friends. I deserve so many nice memories that have yet to be created. However, when I listen to rap songs it feels like the men are speaking to me. I'm the girl they've used, abused, and are now dissing for doing what they wanted. That doesn't make me different, does it? 

I'm different. That's what I keep telling myself. As I look at friends, family, past relationships, years of memories I know I've changed. I'm not the girl they think they raised me to be, the friend they originally met, the girl he dated at one point. I'm different. However, more often than not I feel the same. 

I feel the same as that 15 year old that felt all alone, the 20 year old that was struggling to hold on to new-found facts about herself, the girl that they've been working hard to conform to society. Half the time I feel like I have conformed to society. Whenever I'm looking for a way out, there are too many distracts weighing my down, too much time spent laying in the bed from exhaustion. 

I'm different, or at  least I want to be. How do I change so I can start feeling more like me? 

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