Friday, April 20, 2012


As she walks through the door everyone looks at her. It's a familiar place in a familiar area. The chairs are positioned the same. The mirrors have always been in the same place. Her reflection bounces back at her. She does not want to change, but she is not sure if she can trust the people with that information. Her mind races with doubt, but before she can think straight someone has directed her to a chair.

"What's the plan for today?"

"Trim," she says. "Do not cut. I repeat do not cut. Just a little trim." She hears herself speaking, but are they listening? Did the one staring down on her hair hear her?" Before they touch her head she can hear the scissors.

"Snip snip," they whisper. "We don't care what you want. We're hear to do our job. Are you listening to us? We're in charge now."

She tries not to think of what's about to happen. The scissors have always been a fear. She asks for one thing and they do another. Next thing she knows half her hair is gone, a stylist is smiling, and she's faking being pleased. Well, sometimes she's passing out from realizing what was just done. So her minds wonders to another place.

That place involves solitude, comfort, and responsibility, and creating the rules. It's solitude because it will represent isolation from all the noise that cause stress and an escape from all things that make a girl feel weak. It involves comfort because it will be her own place to relax when writing, watch television in peace, and sleep knowing no one will disturb her. There will be responsibility because she will have to set goals and create accomplishments in order to keep that solitude. She has already gotten a glimpse of several places that could create that.

Nice one or two bedroom apartments. Small enough for one or two people. Big enough for creativity. Includes enough appliances to where she doesn't have to leave the house for simple tasks like washing and drying clothes. Close enough for her to make it to work without lots of traffic. Far away enough to stop unwanted visitors. Good enough location to where is she wants to have a life she can. Now if only she can make this happen on her own.

Wait, too much hair is falling. What's going on?

"Be still," the stylist says and she obeys. Her mind is saying 'You saw this coming' but her heart is screaming. It's happening once again. A simple procedure has led back to a length she was trying to grow from.


She forces the thought of what's happening out of her mind. She needs to focus on growing and not depending on others. When she decides to wake up is her decision. Where she hangs out is her choice. Whether or not she wanted to move back is part her story. The money in her bank account is not an entitlement to anyone else. So why does she feels like she's not in control of anything?

A mirror is handed to her. All that new growth is gone. A new style that she never requested has replaced it. Her hair looks like a boy. This road has been traveled before way too many times.

She asks for one thing and something totally different gets handed to her. This is the moment it ends. She's ready to stand up for herself. But how? She's overwhelmed.

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