Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sunday Reflections, Who Was I Then?

I remember anticipating having sex for the first time. The moment was played out in my mind. It would be with a super sexy man that I called my boyfriend (or husband because I don't quite remember anymore. The original fantasy is a blur) and after the act we'd both chill in our sexual bliss. Well maybe not chill. We'd end our sexual moment with cuddling or doing something else special. I don't remember anymore. Maybe my fantasy involved just what really happened. 

It was the middle of the night after a house party. The guy was  actually someone a supposed friend (or maybe I was the supposed friend) was head over heels in love with. I don't know why she liked him so much, but for some reason that night he liked me and I wasn't sure how to respond to it. He had driven and he gave me an ultimatum. He wouldn't take me home unless I let him spend the night. Corny, right? I knew his plans before he ever brought it up. Internally I struggled with the idea because it was as special, romantic, or whatever other memorable ways I had planned. Instead it would be the night I lost my virginity to a guy someone I called a friend was actually in love with at the time. Why did I do it? Who was I back then? I thought I was the girl who wanted to make my first time memorable. Maybe that is not really who I was.

Then I can think back to a time of disappointment. There was a movie out. I was just a little girl, but I was eager to see it. It was a church trip I was forced to attend. My parents had promised that after the trip I could watch the movie. Some grown-up on the trip informed my parents I had been bad. I thought I was a good girl. They decided my punishment would be to not watch the movie.  I was disappointed. It didn't make sense. That wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last. 

When everyone was getting a Gigapet I wanted one. I was told no. Months later I was given a Nano baby but it wasn't the same. When I planned out my sweet 16 birthday part, even shouted out that they could make it a surprise party, I received nothing in return. In fact I remember my parents saying they forgot. There was no party. There was a 17th birthday party, but it was really just an excuse for greedy family members to get free food. That was not about me. It was not what I wanted, but what did I want? What was it that my heart desired? Who was I back then? 

Both Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant have asked people who they are now. They couldn't answer the question. In last night's Fix My Life Evelyn Lozada gave some bullshit answer just because she didn't want to admit that she was not sure. However, I can honestly say I don't know who I am. I know some of what I like to do. I know some of those places I want to go. But am I the girl who can just plan it and do it? Am I the girl who needs help every step of the way? Or am I the girl who doesn't know who she is because even when I think way back when I still can't figure out who I ever was? 

Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Could that be who I am? The girl that always thinks too hard...

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