Saturday, March 16, 2013

Trying To Be Superwoman

I'm not your superwoman. I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everything's okay. Wait, maybe I am that girl.

Have you ever been that "YES" girl to everyone? I  have. I've said yes to eating, hanging out, and sleeping wherever others suggested. Forget about eating out at my suggested place. I'll just go one day by myself. Yes, we can eat at your favorite restaurant that we frequent all the time. Yes, I'll always drive to your place. You never have to come to me. You never have to be the designated drive. For that man, yes I'll come to your place late at night. You don't have to leave your comfortable spot. I'll eventually get tired of this, but you won't hear "No" come out of my mouth. Instead I'll just become one-deep and you won't notice because my presence probably never meant anything to you anyway. I've said yes so many times that I wish that word could be removed from  my vocabulary. However, there are moments when it's important.

Have you ever been that friend everyone thought they could depend on? I've been that friend a lot. There's one person who rarely calls me, but when she does it's because she needs someone to listen to all her issues. I can actually call her, but my call will never get returned. Eventually when she does call it's not to see what was on my mind. It is because she has a new issue and knows I will listen. Being that friend that people can depend on can also correspond with being the one people feel like they can walk all over too. I have friends who love to joke around. They joke so much that it can be hard to tell when they're serious. However, one crossed the line recently with his jokes. He joked upon one of my poems. My poems are my babies. Even if a person disagrees with the content, they shouldn't make a joke on it. What kind of friend is this person if they'd go so far to disrespect my work just because they found it funny? However, I put up with this kind of stuff. I don't want anyone to know they've bothered me that much.

Have you ever been that girl that no man wants as his girlfriend? Do they not see me as girlfriend/wife material? If it happens once or twice it's the guy. If men continue to approach you with the same lines, maybe it's you. Maybe it's me. I admit I'm dedicated to my goals and I'm the only one paying my bills. However, there are ways a man could benefit me in my life. I could benefit a man too. Instead of that happening, they just keep approaching me with the same lines that pulls us physically together, but emotionally far apart. Hold up. I actually say no a lot more than yes, but the no moments leads to a lot of months of being one-deep. Although when I say yes, it seems as if that certain man does everything he can think of to tear me down emotionally. I try to be superwoman and pretend I don't hear the words. I hate telling a man that what he said hurt me.

Have you ever really found yourself one-deep? Within that last year I've done a lot of outings by myself. This includes movies, restaurants, and clubs. Although going out by myself can be relaxing, it's odd how people have slowly disappeared. My work schedule has changed too, which adds to this. I've used that schedule to read more blogs, books, and focus more on where my writing is going. However, sometimes these moments by myself can be really lonely. They (I don't know who exactly) say the road to success has a lot of lonely moments. If I'm supposed to be lonely to get to success I won't complain out loud.

I'm not your superwoman. I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everything's okay. Wait, maybe I am that girl. However, maybe that should be kept to myself.

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