Tuesday, September 9, 2014

#FixMyLife Reginald Alceus Explains How Jay Could Have Loved All 17 Women

No matter how bad the problem is, according to Iyanla Vanzant it can be fixed. Even if that problem consists of 34 biological children, 9 adopted children, and 17 baby mamas. The idea of a man creating this many children may be unbelievable, but Jay Williams did that and he volunteered to broadcast his crazy life as a father to the world on Iyanla’s Fix My Life.

How can a man create this many children? Why would so many women sign up to give one man so many children? Where does a problem like this stem from? According to the first episode of a three part series, the problem started with Jay’s parents. His father was abusive to his mom and that in turn gave him permission to physically and mentally abuse 17 women, 43 children, and continue the cycle for as long as he wants.

While www.searchingformystar.com had many questions after watching, there was no way to contact Jay for a quick interview. Some of the questions that ran rampant were what kind of job he has that provides him with enough to financially support so many children, why he is so comfortable creating so many children that he can’t even give time to,  and how many more women he will get involved with before his search for love is over. However, Writer Reginald Alceus was kind enough to do an interview in his place.

Disclaimer: Reginald is a 27 year old with no kids.

How many children are too many children for you?

For me personally, I would have to say three, and even that is cutting it close. I'm single at the moment, though, I could see myself being a family-oriented kind of guy in the future. Somehow, one would just be too few kids for the kind of household I would envision. At the same time, anything more than three would feel like chaos, and given my introverted nature, I don't think I could handle having to manage so many little lives even with the assistance of my wife.

The thing is, I grew up as part of a simple family of four composed of my parents, my brother, and myself. It's a nice, balanced number, and probably beneficial to the children themselves in the long run. My mother's mother had eight children in total back in her day right up until she was in her forties and my father's mother had nine kids. Of course, that was a different time and women of that era were raised according to traditional values and expectations. Large families were valued and hardly the norm, especially in certain countries where having a small family was likely considered unusual. In the modern age, it's insanely expensive just to rear one child, let alone any more, so having multiple children just seems impractical unless you're especially secure in your finances.

More than that, however, I feel as though having so many kids forces you to divide your attention among them too thinly. Parents always claim they love all of their children equally, and while I believe they want to believe that, it stands to reason that the more kids you have to mind, the less individual attention each one is going to get. That winds up impacting all of the kids in turn and it's not something I would want to do to my children. I want to love them with all my heart, not concern myself with how best to divide up my time and energy between all of them in between work, my wife, daily responsibilities, etc.

How many women would you consider making the mother of your child?

Simply put, just one, ideally. Obviously, circumstances arise wherein a man might get remarried or his wife might pass away due to some tragedy. In either of those specific cases, God forbid, I might consider having a child with another woman other than the mother of my first child/children. However , once I'm married, she's the only woman I'm interested in sharing my genes with. I've never been very fond of that whole " sow your wild oats" concept. Just seems like a lousy, flimsy justification to be an irresponsible man to me. If you don't want children but feel the need to have "sexual conquests," then take extra precautions to make sure nobody ends up pregnant. That, or don't have sex at all if you're not prepared for the potential repercussions.

When you first heard The Temptations Papa Was A Rolling Stone, what kind of lifestyle did you imagine the man in the song living?

Lol. It's not a song I'm terribly familiar with, but I suppose the general idea I received was that the man is likely an absentee father. Just the title alone conjures up the idea of a man who probably had a family with a woman and then decided to leave them behind to chase after some wayward dream or some other excuse not to be tied down to family life. Some guys (and women) really aren't suited for family life. They have no trouble doing the deed that creates children, but that doesn't mean they were ever ready or willing to be a parent themselves.

Have you known men that created babies with women, but then disappeared from the lives of the women and children?

I've never been acquainted with such an individual matching that exact description. I am, however, acquainted with people who admittedly do not spend as much time as they should or would like to with their kids due to various circumstances (I'm not t liberty to name names, obviously). With half of all marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce (I have no verifiable source to cite this), many relationships wherein children are produced don't wind up structured like traditional homes, regardless.

The idea of a married man running out on his wife and kids is an antiquated concept by today's standards. It's much more realistic to picture a young couple who wound up having children out of wedlock with the relationship between the boyfriend and girlfriend dissolving due to a lack of maturity and/or solidarity. Many women end up single mothers that way, and it's really a shame since it's ultimately the children who end up losing out the most.

While watching the first episode of the three part series it was clear Jay blames his mother and father for his problems. When you look back on your mistakes, who do you blame?

A less mature version of myself would have looked to everyone but myself to blame for my mistakes. A slightly more mature version would have pointed the finger at myself. These days, I don't really see the value in blaming anyone or anything unless doing so serves a constructive purpose. The point of blaming anybody for anything is to hold them accountable for a mistake and encourage them through shaming to acknowledge and fix their fault. Problems are always bound to arise and mistakes will always be made. It's best to be solution-oriented in approaching dilemmas which come up rather than waste energy trying to assign blame.

If you were really so concerned with a problem being rectified, wouldn't/shouldn't you step up and try to correct it rather than wait for somebody else to? If I walked into my house and saw a spilled carton of milk on the kitchen floor, I might assume it was one of my children who did it. Some parents might be more concerned with making their child clean up the mess he or she made. While I agree that would be constructive in teaching them responsibility and accountability, objectively speaking, the problem I'm looking at is a large puddle of milk that's still sitting on my kitchen floor and needs to be cleaned. If I can clean it right then and there, I'm going to do it. I'm not going to purposely leave it just so I can vent a little anger and scream at my child while I try to prove a point so I can feel like I'm right.

So far Jay has impregnated 17 women without marrying any of them. Some of these women were pregnant at the same time. His reasoning is that he loved them. As a man, do you think this is a situation of a man loving a lot of women or could he have really been spreading his own pain amongst all of them?

That's difficult to say since I don't know the man personally or enough about him to determine why he does what he does. You would think his actions alone would be enough of a clue to explain his mindset, but people are complex creatures whose motivations, while appearing relatively straight-forward, tend to have complex roots. I don't want o provide a generalized statement, but I can guess that any person who felt the need to have so many kids without any intention of caring for any of them or their mothers likely has some trauma that has since become a permanent part of his character. Its possible he felt something for each woman, but it might not be what most people would consider love.

I remember a college professor of mine once told her class that she loved her husband, but that she was not "in love" with him. She eventually clarified her statement, explaining the difference was that loving somebody (I'm paraphrasing) is the emotion you feel for them after years of familiarity and experience in growing together. Being in love, however, is that whimsical, silly, butterflies in your stomach feeling you get when you're initially enamored with somebody. Being "in love" with somebody is an impulse that eventually burns out, and what you're left with is either a substantial, loving relationship or the remnants of what you thought was going to be something special, but which crumbled and fell apart because it was bound to. In the case of this guy, I think every one of his relationships with these women probably fell under the latter category, if they were anything real at all.

Iyanla Vanzant said Jay’s problems started in his mother’s womb when his father was physically abusing her. Do you think what happens before a man is born can determine the outcome of his future?

I'm not a medical professional, so I can't say whether physical abuse somehow impacts a child psychologically before they are even born. If you're asking my opinion, I doubt it. Behaviors are typically learned through experiences, and though children appear to have an innate temperament at the core of their personalities, I don't necessarily think it can be influenced or altered in the womb or otherwise.

There are things which can drastically alter how a child develops physically in the womb, such as smoking, alcohol, certain medicines, even different kinds of food. I have heard people say things like the mood of the mother during the pregnancy affects the health of the child. Something like that substantiates the idea that women should not endure too much stress, physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc. because it could adversely impact the physical health of the child who is connected to her body. I don't see how abuse of the mother would effect the child's developing mind since it's a separate entity. What the mother thinks or feels probably isn't picked up upon by the child, but I suppose hormones released by her body during intense periods of stress could influence the physical development of her baby.

Other than that, I don't believe a person can be "born bad." Antisocial and psychopathic behavior is typically an ideal mixture of both nature and nurture. Had this man had a better upbringing, even if he was somehow genetically predisposed to demonstrating antisocial tendencies, he would not have necessarily acted on them. Likewise, people who endure horrific circumstances early on in life or even later in life don't always find themselves ruined by the experience. Were that the case, we would be overrun with psychopaths and the mentally perturbed. You only hear about individuals like this who do extreme things because some perfect balance of nature and nurture contributed to making them into who and what they are.

The next part of this Fix My Life special introduces the 17 baby mamas that Jay has. Tune in with me. 

Reginald Alceus can be found on Facebook

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