Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Shattered Vision

Blood ran down her hand as she shattered the bathroom mirror. After 15 pictures back to back she still couldn't come up with a flattering image. No one would like those; not on Facebook or twitter, and not even on Instagram. If she couldn't get attention online, how could she ever step into the real world? 

Her butt didn't look big enough on the counter. The camera enhanced the bump that proudly sat in the middle of her forehead. Her skin was just brown; not sweet chocolate so good you can taste it before biting into it brown and not the cookies and cream brown everyone loved to stare at. It was just plain brown. At least that's what she saw. 

In some of the pictures she desperately made flirty faces and tried to look different ways to appear closer to her age. Even if it meant posing at weird angles and even if it meant standing in front of a stove pretending to cook, she was doing what she thought she needed to do. Everyone reminded her that she looked so much younger, so she was desperately trying to erase the little girl images. She wasn't little anymore. She was an adult. She wanted to be told she had the assets that every man wanted, not that she still looked 15. 15 year olds had to prove themselves. She was tired of proving herself to the world, but she didn't know how to just be herself?  

How could she ever survive in corporate America? People with low self esteem get preyed on. How could she ever get to that fairytale love life? If she struggled to see perfection, no man would ever see it.  How could she ever stand up to the haters? She was her number one hater? She internalized what everyone else felt about her and attempted to change over and over again just to impress them. She lost sight of anything that excited her. She attempted to put her goals to the side because more people were getting frustrated than actually supporting her. She imagined 10, 20, 30 years going by and wondered if she would ever be comfortable with settling for less than she deserved. 

"Do you know how powerful you are?"

She had heard over and over again that she had this power to change. She could change into a woman that made impressive achievements. She could become so powerful that she would change some man's world. She even had the power to bring life into the world. However, the more she thought about this power the harder it became to recognize it within herself. What power? 

And then she cried. So much was wrong with her that she couldn't see the good. As she picked up a piece of the broken mirror she looked for beauty within herself, but couldn't find it. She cried harder as she searched for strength. She was trapped within her own sadness, but didn't know how to escape from it. She needed help, but couldn't do it alone. How could she start this road to recovery? Was it even achievable? She contemplated suicide, but didn't want to bring any more pain into others lives. 

So I just found out that it is Mental Health Month. If you see someone suffering, reach out and try to help. 

1 comment :

  1. Reading this, I felt you had taken a page from my past. As sad as it is, I find it refreshing to know that I wasn't alone in these thoughts. And yes, you do have the power. We all have the power, and once we fully understand it, we know we can really do anything.

    Have a beautiful day.