Sunday, May 19, 2013

Dreading Coming Back, Sunday Reflections

It's a strange feeling, that dread. The first time it hit me was October 30, 2011.

Depression puts you out of commission for a certain amount of time. But depression fades with your mindset. You can create memorable moments during a sad time. Alcohol, drugs, partying, talking with friends, and even men can be used to help you heal through that bad time. Eventually that slump goes away. 

Even a quarter life crisis is easier to get over. I went through that. What made it a crisis? I didn't know what to do with my life. Get a job? But in what field? My talent has always been limited. God blessed me with the gift to write. Although it's not always good writing, it's all I know. Some say writing works in every field. However, during that crisis nothing seemed likely.

Do some traveling? But with what money? During my quarter life crisis I was broke. There were dreams of moving to California, or maybe Atlanta, or even somewhere up North. Up North I'd have to learn to bare the cold. Nowhere seemed likely because I just didn't have enough money. No matter how hard I worked. I just didn't have enough. Oh wait..

I did have enough to take a trip. That was how the trip to Los Angeles, California came about. Who knew such a fun city could cause another problem. The dreaded feeling. But wait some more...

The quarter life crisis created a huge issue. That involved discovering myself over again. There have been times in my life where I became reacquainted with the girl inside. The first time I can remember is around 10 when I tried to create stories. It was all the imagination of Lashuntrice. 

The second time was around high school when I redeveloped an obsessed for writing all my thoughts down. Who knew a girl with barely any experiences knew about puppy love, frienemies, and pain? I discovered myself through writing. 

I thought I knew myself up until that damn quarter life crisis hit. Not only did I have parents trying to control my every move. A friend was lying to her mom about being with me when she was really with her boyfriend. Her mom thought I was messing with her focus and in turn starting hating me. Crazy lady. But I started to wonder was I messing up her focus? Could I be a distraction for her, for anybody, for everyone? Is that why this crisis was so hard? And I have a confession to make.
I took this. 

The crisis is not over yet. It started a couple days before my 25th birthday. I stepped off a plane and found myself in LA. It was a new place, new people, somewhere to create new experiences, but for only a few days. And that's what I did. At moments my problems surfaced, but for the most part I put them away. There was the tour of celebrity homes, a place that served excellent breakfast, the ocean that both mesmerized me and pushed me back a distance. It was kind of cold. There was the busy city that reminded me of where I live, but it was not where my home resided. October 30, 2011 as I boarded a plan I dreaded going back to a place I knew all too well. It was the same place I had been spending most of my life. Part of the crisis is the dread. 

It is not the familiar job I dread. Nor is it the familiar people. Sometimes they're frustrating, but for they are inviting. I know them. They know me. It is also not the familiar surroundings. The dread is leaving and always having to come back to familiarity.

How much longer will this familiarity last? Can I close my eyes and wake up in a new Bugatti? (For Lashuntrice, that's code for apartment in a new city surrounded by new people.) Can a new place choose me? (Iyanla Vanzant spoke her dreams into reality and without force she said they'd come to her.) If I just speak, or even write every dream I have, will it start to work in its own form? Patience continues to remind me that I need it. 

I like my current situation. It's comfortable. However, I still can't shake that feeling of needing something more. 

In approximately a month (June 20, 2013) I will be traveling to New York City for a bloggers conference. It will also be my summer vacation trip. Will it be memorable? Of course. It's NYC. I just hope when it's time to come back that dreaded feeling is not so bad. I just have to deal with this comfort zone for the time being. 

I'm not sure how to close this out, so I'll leave you with Gucci Mane and 2 Chainz new song Use Me

P.S. Next post I might tell you about my photography dreams. 

1 comment :

  1. the more is coming soon enough. Let me visit you in Texas before you move to Cali. lol