When we're little all the adults try to hide us from sex and love. If you're eight years old and a couple in a movie kisses, your parent's reaction is to cover your eyes. If the couple starts to do more than kiss, you're kicked out of the room. I don't remember much from when I was eight, but as I got older my parents kicked me out of rooms for movies that I should have been old enough to handle. Either that or they become very uncomfortable. One instance where my mom became very uncomfortable and made me leave the room was during an episode of Soul Food. The particular episode had a very hot and heavy sex scene between Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe. That scene also inspired my longing to have mind blowing sex in the sitting position. Anyway, I was a teenager when that sex scene happened, but because my mom didn't understand that I was old enough to understand what I was seeing she wanted me to not see it. I did see it later on out of curiosity. While they are trying to protect you from grown-up actions and they were trying to protect me, they're also giving you the impression that kissing and anything more is either bad or the best thing in the world. For me, it was looked at as the best thing in the world.
What more can I say? Some people die from driving. When hearing it people either try to be safer drivers or they become afraid to get into cars. There are areas in every town that are dangerous. When people hear about the dangerous parts, they either play it safe when visiting new land or they stay in familiar territory forever of out fear of the unknown. When a person gets beat up in a fight, they either learn to fight battles better or they become afraid of everyone for fear of being beaten again. When I was sheltered from sex, I wanted to know more about it.
It started out with just wanting to watch the scenes my family always made me avoid. That wasn't even about sex. It was curiosity. I went back and watched Training Day on my own. I rebought the R. Kelly CD my mom once took from me as soon as she gave to me because she felt it was too much grown-up talk in it. More than anything else, I made sure no one knew that I knew about the HBO porn shows that came on late at night because I wanted to keep watching them. They revealed stuff about sex that neither my family nor friends could ever explain to me. Well, mostly they increased my curiosity. But I tried to find out all the reasons why sex was so big of a subject that my parents would want to keep it hidden from me. This curiosity is probably what made me say "fuck it" at 20 years old and finally do it.
As knowledgeable as I was, I was a late bloomer to the game of having sex.
The first guy was not special at all, not good, not a friend, not an enemy. He was nothing to me, except some guy that wanted to sleep with me and since I was ready I said yes. That night was supposed to break my curiosity. It was supposed to finally give me a peak, sexual peak, into the world that so many people enjoyed but wanted me to avoid. It was supposed to satisfy my curiosity. I didn't expect a mind blowing experience right away or excruciating pain. I did expect music, which was playing and I expected romance, which I didn't want afterward. It's hard to describe my experience, but I was left feeling more curious than ever. The curiosity would not continue with this guy, however.
Some might call my actions that followed a little pimpish and a little nympho. That next day I lied to the guy about how I felt, but made plans to never call again. Then a month later I moved onto the next guy. However, this time I was looking for real pleasure and creativity. While I looked for it, the full extent of what I was doing did not occur to me. Maybe it was because I was looking at it as pure fun and the boyfriend/husband aspect abandoned my mind. However, years later it would hit me. It wasn't just about sex. It became about exploring my sexual limit.
For sexual pleasures some people enjoy the missionary position. It involves a woman laying flat on her back the whole time. Some people enjoy switching positions every few minutes and others want to be spanked. However, some people want a mixture of pleasure and pain. Rough sex is different than being punched and bloodied during intercourse. While I knew I didn't want to be punched or bloodied, I didn't have a particular sex limit or restrictions set. It didn't seem important either.
However, earlier this year I discovered the importance of exploring the sexual limit and setting restrictions. It was after dealing with a guy. On the particular night we hooked up he'd had a bad day. What's better than sex to end a bad day? Before getting into the act, he discussed what he wanted from me. I obliged, but after we'd started I became brave and started making requests. In the midst of taking a break, I told him I wanted him to take out the anger he'd felt earlier on me using sex. For those of you that are reading, this is a very dangerous act when expressed the wrong way. So, I told him to fuck me with the anger he'd felt and before doing it he asked if I was sure. It was the best and most startling experience ever during sex. The startling part happened when he reached his hands towards my neck as if he was going to choke me, but it wasn't actually choking and I loved it. As great as it was it wasn't my sexual limit, but it did teach me something.
It was past his sexual limit. While he did it, he couldn't handle it. That was also the moment when I realized I needed to grow up and take more control. The growing up aspect comes with finding out my sexual limit and using that sexual limit on the perfect man for me. When I've grown up and found my sexual limit, the control will be there.
I suck at endings and this isn't really and end to the story, so until next time....
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