Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Star Status Thoughts: To Love, Leave, And Be Left

When People Are In Your Business And Abandoning You At The Same Time

I've hit another realization in this 24th year of my life and this must be shared with you. Well, it really doesn't have to be shared but I don't know who else to tell it to or if it should be held in. But this is what us writers do. Well tell information that probably needs to be kept silent. Okay, so here it goes. 

Remember when you were six years old? Me neither, but I think it went something like this. I was finally discovering myself, the totally dependent girl who needed to feel independent while still wanting everyone's admiration. After all, every six year old wants all eyes on them. Even if they're the ugliest child in the world you can't just ignore them (or developing mental issues will form). 

While trying to discover independence, I was trying to discover what independence was. One thing I learned was that grown-ups have a career. While a real career was not on my mind, I did create my first short fiction story. It was a sign. I was so proud of that book that I showed everyone and everyone claimed to love it. People can be such liars when you're a kid all in the name of love. 

If you're confused, stick with me. There is a point to this. 

From the age of six to 18 I did develop that independent personality. Because of this personality I was called a nerd, weird, too quiet, stuck in my own world, and smart. Sometimes that word was used by strangers, but on several occasions that word was used by family too. Why don't the people closest to you think the stuff they say won't hurt you? Anyway, recently I was going over all the events and everything I should be grateful for when I came to a conclusion. There are three main things that causes us to lose our happy perception of reality:

Loving, Leaving, And Being Left
Loving is arguably the biggest weakness of them all. While loving can help you accomplish many things, it can also hold you back. For instance, I know I care too much about what others think. I'm always taking in all this advice even when I don't ask for it. Most of the advice I don't ask for comes from the ones closest to me. At some point in this crazy year I decided to stop asking those certain people, because they simply don't understand me. However, they continue to toss out these words (whether they're good or bad) and use the excuse of love. See the problem. 

People expect you to listen to them just because they use the word love. And are you supposed to ignore them if their words and actions are supposedly being born out of that very word? Are you supposed to be grateful just because people do stuff for you out of love? What if you never asked? Sometimes I really want to be ungrateful, but then someone tosses that f--king word at me and confusion forms. 

Leaving is a huge weakness because people have a huge way of making you feel guilty. For instance I always wanted to leave my parents and be on my own. That is why Florida A&M University was the perfect location for the time that it lasted. I was away from all family and really had freedom to do things without any influences. It was great, but the troubles came when I didn't or couldn't visit family because of school work. Truthfully, I liked being on my own and wasn't ready to be around any of them for a long period of time. I was getting comfortable being me. You may think I'm crazy, but I spent spring breaks alone in Tallahassee just so I could stay free. Also, my mom and I had a huge argument that first year about taking any vacations, so I just stopped asking. It was a guilt trip that I couldn't deal with, so neither of us won the argument. 

I guess leaving is the hardest part that anyone can handle. Whether it's friendships, family, or other types of relationships people do get attached to you. However, leaving becomes the ultimate weakness when people slap that guilt trip on you. 

Being Left:
Being left is also arguably one of the biggest weakness. With the exception of one friend-turned-enemy all of the rest of them have left me. They've decided I was such a bad person that they couldn't handle me any more. Well, no one actually said that to my face, but it has to be the only reason you'd just leave a friend. Then again you don't have to physically stop talking to someone to leave them.

Leaving someone also involves abandoning them emotionally. This goes back to the six year old trying to be independent and get everyone's approval at the same time. At six people support you and say it's because they love you. At 20-something they say they love you, but stop supporting your dreams cause they don't give a damn. They abandon you, but of course when you do achieve something they want to be right there claiming they're the reason for your success. 

The biggest destruction that being abandoned causes is it ruins your pride. I once heard someone say every time you give to someone they take a part of you. Okay, that advice was actually related to having sex, but it works for everything. If I give nothing but happiness, but receive nothing but bad attitudes eventually the happy attitude will fade. 

There's so much more I could say, but this blog is not the place. I'll let the rest of the thoughts float in the depths of my heart. However, what I want to know is... Do you think of these as weaknesses or do you think I'm crazy?  What's your biggest weakness and how have you dealt with it? 

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