Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sunday Reflections: Still Looking For Freedom

When I need to escape the first thing I always think to do is grab a book. Usually it doesn't matter what type of book. All the book has to have is pages and I'll read. Well, the book has to be interesting too. So almost a week ago I order a book online. The book is called "The Mind And Soul of Tiffani Real." It's by this author who calls herself Tiffani Real. Months ago she came out with the book and I promised myself I would order it when I could. 

Well, it's been almost a week and the mailman has not delivered my book yet. I was anticipating reading this book because there was a million things flowing through my mind. Some of the thoughts revolved around work, friends, boyfriend, and trying to stay cute. When I get frustrated I tend to say "fuck it" to my looks. However, the book did not come and my millions of thoughts started to drive me crazy. I just didn't know how to deal with anything. 

Okay, let me explain the thoughts a little more. On a daily basis I have to figure out how to adjust to the new tasks my boss gives me at work, because most of the time he doesn't tell me exactly what to do. Adjusting would be fun if it didn't come with mistakes. On a daily basis my mom continually harasses me to waive a magic wand around and land a job making at least 40,000 dollars a year so I can be out on my own. On a daily basis I have to listen to my parents shout at my brothers at least once and sometimes I get caught in the crossfire. Have you ever  been yelled at for no reason at all and at the time you were an adult? On a daily basis I talk to my boyfriend and he wants to know my every thought. Well, he doesn't really want to know, but he thinks he does. On a daily basis I scream in my head. If I screamed out loud someone would assume I'm crazy. 

See the problem? That's only 50 percent of it. There's a lot of stuff that crosses my mind, but most of the time I manage to smile through it. However, it gets hard. It gets really hard when every time I take a step towards independence, I'm reminded of how really dependent I am on others. I couldn't even handle a simple car accident by myself. Even after I thought I was being responsible my dad was continually contacting State Farm. He really thought I couldn't handle it. 

Now remember I don't live by myself (silent tears). I'm under my parents roof trying to live by their rules. I  have a job, but it doesn't pay much. It's really just gas, food, and maybe shopping money. Every time I try to think of myself as independent someone finds a way to remind me that I'm not.

However, my real problem isn't the little things. The problem is I have no freedom. Freedom is what I crave the most. In fact my boyfriend asks me all the time if there was anywhere that I could be where would that place be at. Although I know he wants me to say anywhere with him, that's not how I feel. If I could be anywhere it would be some place where I could get comfortable while reading a book. Whether my life it a hot mess or totally organized, books can give me that freedom I need. Although it would be nice for my boyfriend to read with me, that's not going to happen. 

So yeah, I'm sure I've written a lot of posts in the past about freedom, so for this one I'm still looking for freedom. The hardest part would be sitting still long enough to get there. 

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