Thursday, May 2, 2013

Moving Forward And Leaving Them Behind?

I hate goodbyes and I run from closure. Closure means I have to face the problems and goodbyes mean those people are gone from my life forever. Forever is permanent. Forever is scary. There's a saying that the past is the past for a reason, but what if someone in my past is needed in my future? See I hate goodbyes and closures, but they happen anyway.

Three years ago I graduated from college. At the same time I had closure and said goodbye to a guy I really liked. Well, the feelings were real (at least  on my part) sometime before that. We were seeing each other, but then we'd stop. Then we'd see each other again sometime after that until one day I had to stop it. I ran from thoughts of him. I really tried to forget him. Then that summer after graduation I ran into him at a club. A month later we officially had closure and said goodbye to each other. All the games and disappearing acts were over. There would be no more reappearing or random communication from time to time. He was gone out of my life. It was best, but the pain hurt so bad.

After meeting up with him and having that closure, I cried like a baby. I needed someone to be there patting me on the back and saying everything would be okay. No one was there and I had to eventually pick myself up and move on. Saying goodbye still hurt like hell. Since then I seem to have lost a lot more friends.

These friends were once right beside me partying, talking about goals, and letting out all frustrations. However, they've faded from the picture. We stopped partying together. Some of us moved to different cities or states. Some settled into a comfortable life. Some became stuck on their own goals so much that they just forgot they had friends routing for them. No matter what exactly happened they are not around. So I try to cherish the people who are still here.

I don't like saying goodbye or having closure, but people keep creating the closures.

I have a friend who've I've known forever. We were raised in the same church. Upon moving back to Texas, we hung out a lot. She was career searching just like me. We'd discuss our plans and how our friendship could benefit each other. Sometime between then and now we both starting making moves. I started making enough move to eventually finally live on my own and continue to strive for more goals. She made enough money to where she could eventually move in with her boyfriend and be comfortable. While her original idea was one thing, she settled into the life she had. Our focuses were no longer the same. Then something happened.

We met up earlier this year. We were talking about our lives. Maybe she never really thought I'd find a place of my own. Maybe before I started traveling, she never believed that one of her closest friends would really start to follow through with that goal of one day leaving the city. But at that moment when we were hanging all the realization seemed to come out. She started talking about how she would miss me when I'm gone yet. But I'm not yet gone. She said she didn't know who she would continue to hang with. But I haven't left, so we can still hang. She talked as if I was leaving the very next day and we would never see each other again.

It's crazy how the older we get the more people we have to leave behind. However, does it always have to be like that? 20 years from now will I be able to see the same faces and cheer on that we all made it together? Or will there be so many goodbyes (I hate goodbyes) that I'll finally make it to the top and be alone? I don't  understand.

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