Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wednesday Reflections: Leaving The Single Mindset Behind and Adjusting To Commitment

The Single Life
The single life is filled with lust. It's not the kind of lust where you have sex with millions of people. It's that kind of lust where temptation is all over the place, so you have millions of choices. The single life is filled with thrill. There's the thrill of having a selection of men to look at, getting felt up by random men in the club, going on a countless amount of dates, and having "me time" without anyone to interrupt. The single life is filled with independence. As long as you're single you feel like you're handling your business fine by yourself. The single life is filled with selfishness. Above everything else when you're single you put yourself first. Nobody else matters when it comes to getting what you want.

Being In A Relationship
According to fairytale being in a relationship means being happy, finding your soulmate, and spending the rest of your lives together. In reality being in a relationship means making a commitment. That commitment means you want to be with that person and only that person. It also means making the other person happy. If your significant other isn't  happy then it affects your mood too. Being in a relationship also means fun. The time that you'd usually use to hang with friends should go to that significant other if you want the relationship to work. After all, couples can have fun together. Like the single life, a relationship has it's thrill too. The thrill comes from letting your selfishness go and learning to trust your significant other. Being in a relationship means dependence. You don't have to be totally dependent, but you have to allow yourself to need your significant other and vice versa. Being in a relationship means putting someone else first. It means constantly having your significant other on your mind and constantly thinking of ways to make them smile. Being in a relationship means adjusting. Many people say compromising, but more than anything else in the beginning of the relationship is all about adjusting to your partner attitude.

Or at least that's what I think. I've been single for too long. I adjusted to letting myself be the source of my entertainment. I learned to find ways to make me happy. I learned how to find a dark corner and cry by myself when it was needed. However, now it's different. I'm learning how to totally open up. When dating, no one fully opens up. I'm learning how to be committed and not long for the single life again. The only reason a person longs for the single life is because they get scared in the relationship.

For example a couple of weeks ago he was mad because he had a bad day at work. His anger made me sad. I wanted to be there for him, but.....I didn't know how to. Helping him to smile again seemed so hard and it made me question myself. A girlfriend is supposed to know how to put a smile on her boyfriend's face.

Then there's the whole opening up about everything. Couples are supposed to be able to talk, but sometimes I don't feel like expressing myself right away. Sometimes I'd rather just keep my thoughts in my brain, but when he asks I feel like I have to tell. After all, talking is a part of the relationship.

The biggest part for me is adjusting. Sometimes when you've gone through a lot of bullshit, seen a lot of bullshit, or were just single for a long time you question why your significant other even wants you. Not only are you questioning their actions, but you're adjusting to them. As a woman I know that every man is different. Every man needs affection in a different way and every man needs to know that you care about him in a different way. What makes adjusting to your man the hardest is the single mindset. When you've been single for too long your ways start to affect your significant other and most of the time they don't like it.

That's my biggest struggle right now. I care about him a lot and think about him a lot. However, sometimes the single attitude still creeps in my mind. I forget it's okay to talk to him for several hours a day and I forget it's okay to send more than one text a day. However, I'm working on adjusting because I want this relationship to work.

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