Monday, January 16, 2012

Monday Thoughts: The Fear Is Real

As I sat at my desk doing the required work to get paid, thoughts crept into my head. Some of them were happy thoughts. For instance by the end of the week there would be more money in my account. There would also be plans made for the weekend or random trips created just to get escape the real world.

It was Monday, the beginning of a new work week. Some co-workers were smiling because they still had a natural high from their great weekend. They had either partied real hard, spent time with their significant other, hung with the kids, or hung with the grandchildren. Others were exhausted because they were wishing for just a few more hours of sleep, or a lot of coffee, to get the day started. I was struggling to focus.

Focusing was not that hard. I knew what the job was composed of. On day one I thought I had lost my mind trying to learn the concepts of the job. It was far from what I had been studying and planning for all my life. However, by then I knew what I was doing. The minute that computer was logged on to the correct programs  I had no choice but to know what I was doing. Others depended on my work. However, while I knew the job on this day I found it hard to focus.

Distracting thoughts kept creeping into my mind. One was the fact that I hadn't eaten anything. There were no hunger pains, but would they be there later? Would the hunger pains creep up when the work load was heavy and there was no way of stopping and taking a break? Would the hunger pains crowd my brain and cause me to mess up? Had I messed up already?

 A lot of 25 year old people are either fully into the careers or just starting out in the perfect careers. If they haven't started, then they are looking for the right opportunity to appear. I had been planning the perfect career moves my whole life. The ideas of careers were made, erased, and then replaced with better ideas. Hard work had been done in efforts to see if the ideas I came up would fit my lifestyle forever. Hard work had then been greeted with goals of getting better and goals of coming up with new plans. Then goals had been met with real money paying jobs, such as the one I was sitting at and struggling to concentrate on.

The concentration struggle was real, but the thoughts were also scary. The thoughts distracting me from work created a fear that was real. There were thoughts of doubt about where I was heading. While my whole life wasn't planned out a lot of goals had been made. Could those goals be accomplished still? Could they be accomplished while I was here? Could there be a ladder to climb in this industry? I feared the thought that maybe I had set myself up for a life that would lead to many years of regretful thoughts.

But there was really nothing wrong with my life. There was a job that I had the opportunity to wake up and go to every day. There was also the constant flow of money going into my bank account. It was all money for me and it opened the door to more opportunities. There would be the comfort of financial stability and the ability to take breaks and create fun adventures. There would also be money available to fuel future goals while working at the current job. It really wasn't so bad.

However, was I supposed to see it as good? Was I supposed to get comfortable in my current state? Was I supposed to stop striving for a better life? Every day isn't a Monday, but these are the thoughts that constantly consume my life no matter where I am. The fear is real.

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