Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Rediscovering My Passion By Making New Changes

It's time for something new, but not the dating a white man type of new. There are no plans of any relationship in the near future. This isn't a career dream type of new either. I'm still the dedicated writer that has always existed. It's also not the new plans that I had been dreaming of.

If you've been following me you know all about the moving dreams. Long ago before I ever graced the grass located in Tallahassee, Florida there was a dream of living in California. It had nothing to do with great colleges, dream jobs, searching for family, or even following friends. I simply wanted to live in California for the distance. 

Distance as in far away from everyone. Yes, I had a vision of running. I wanted to run from broken friendships and never look back. I wanted to run from bullies (currently called haters). Those bullies had pulled me into a lonely corner of self hatred, but I was ready to escape. I wanted to run from what felt like overbearing parents and love them from far away. They were overbearing in the way where my words were never relevant unless they came up with the ideas first. I wanted to run away from familiar surroundings. A strange land where no one knew Shun seemed so much more comfortable. I was just filled with a big dream of running. However, I never planned for California. 

Running to California was my passion. It would have happened too, but no one listened to me. My parents and family already had my direction made up in their minds. And who was I to argue with any of it? I went along with plans that were not my creation. 

Those plans did something lovely. They fueled my passion to be myself. They gave the writer hope that her words would one day make a difference. They gave the photography addict a chance to fuel her addiction. They gave the lyricist lover a chance to meet others who were also passionate about words. They allowed the girl named Lashuntrice to gain a personality. 

While the experience was great, the end experience was coming back to where I never wanted to end up back at in the first place. 

That place was familiar surroundings, overbearing parents, and risks of running in broken friendships once again. Friendships fall apart all the time, but there's nothing more awkward than running into someone you knew in middle school, barely remember, but know at some point y'all stopped liking each other for reasons that can never be fixed. Even more ending back up in the same place fucked with my personality so much. 

So many people were cut out of my life in the past that there was no one to run to once I arrived back. Then I had graduated in a huge recession, had overbearing parents doing what they did best, and my confidence was slowing drifting away. Who is going to build you up when everyone is criticizing you for being yourself?

I've always been a hard worker. Who do you know is told to read a book for a class assignment at 11, but then on her own reads the whole series of books that follow? Who do you know is willing to spend countless hours reading news stories, but her job is in another field? Who do you know starts a blog, but continuously thinks about how to make it better (but it's not bringing in any money)? Who do you know gets off of work late, but then starts working on her passion for writing? 

My passion years ago was to be somewhere else. My closet was supposed to be filled with sneakers from so much running. However, it didn't happen that way I dreamed it would. 

Recently I watched Oprah's Life Class. This particular episode had Bishop T.D. Jakes. In one particular moment a woman's story flashed across the screen. Before she even spoke it was obvious she was a runner. She'd had a bad childhood and had managed to run away from it. She had a troubled brother, but managed to run away from him for the most part. However, in recent years she couldn't run away from everything her brother created. He had a three year old son that she had discovered needed adopting. She took the opportunity to take care of the child, but because of her past found it hard to love that child. In that child she saw everything she had run from. But she was on Oprah's Life Class telling the story for change. That child deserved love. She deserved to get rid of the hate that lingered in her heart. 

While running is fun, it can be real exhausting. It can be spirit killing too when the right people never seem to support you. I'm through for the moment, but my passion isn't going anywhere. This time my passion is being directed toward where I am. I have to start living now instead of just dreaming. 

I'm about to embark on a journey of loving this familiar place that I always wanted to escape from. It's already started. I'm going to familiar places and my face is starting to be recognized. Don't worry about why that is. Soon I will be living in a new place roommate, parent, and sibling free. Living alone has always been a passion of mine. This will be exciting and somewhere in this midst it will also ignite my passion for working on my goals more. 

Who said this life wasn't about me? They lied. 

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