Sunday, April 29, 2012

Sunday Reflections: I Can't Ever Start On Top

During my college years I never went on a spring break. Each spring I'd watch others plan their trips to nice beaches and then return with a countless amount of pictures. They really looked like they were having the time of their lives. They created these unforgettable adventures that will forever leave them with positive memories. How they were able to do these breaks didn't matter.

 For most of them it was automatic that their parents were paying for them. Others worked super hard for that spring vacation. I, on the other hand, sat at the college every spring break. The only option I'd been given was to  either stay or go back to my parents. Staring at the parents all break would not have been fun, so it wasn't an option. As I sat there every single spring break watching people leave I wished it could have been me. I wished all my hard work would have been awarded with some time on the beach or somewhere hanging with friends. However, a lesson had been embedded in me. I can't ever start on top. 

So while I have created memorable moments of enjoyments a lot of living has been postponed. Most of the postponement was because of that lesson. When a former friend brought up going on a cruise to the Bahamas and inviting many of us, I could not go for lack of money. The others would have had to reach out to someone for money too. However, since I couldn't accumulate it on my own at the time I just couldn't go. After college when spring breaks were no longer an option the lesson would show up again in the form of a wedding. At least that was the first time it showed up again.

This wedding was between a best friend and her husband. During the time of me struggling for money and sanity, she'd asked me to be a bridesmaid. It was a very important time in her life, so I didn't want to let her down. Plus weddings are fun for both the people getting married and the guests. However, when I reached out for help getting a dress and plain ticket I was once again reminded that not everyone gets to live. Living at that moment would have meant taking a break from thinking about my stressful life and enjoying something happy. It would have meant feeling like I was on top of my game even if I wasn't. I had a job a few weeks before the wedding, but it wasn't the best paying job in the world. 

But once the moment was gone it was over. It didn't matter anymore. 

This current life isn't my dream for myself. Hopefully one day I'll wake up and live my dream life. However, I've learned that nothing is easily gotten. I can't start on the top, which is why I've created a budget and started apartment hunting. However, this is where the confusing part comes in. 

Those same people who've made me feel like I just didn't deserve certain things because I couldn't afford them are now trying to preach that I shouldn't start at the bottom. I thought it was a bright idea opening the communication line about this new venture in my life, but again I was approached with arguments. Either the areas aren't good enough or the prices must be too good to be true. Those same people have went as far as to direct me toward places way out of my budget range. 

But I'm through with listening to them. The lesson is there. I can't start on top. However, I can start somewhere at the bottom, or maybe even in the middle, and work my way to the top. 

Or maybe I've gotten the lesson all wrong. Does someone, or several people, always beating your dreams, vacations, or ideas down always mean you just can't aim for the best at the moment? 

P.S. No living arrangement here would be aiming for the best anywhere. I have plans for my future and they don't involve living here five years from now. That also means when I move somewhere else I'll be starting at the bottom again. 

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