Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Is Later Going To Come? And Other Things I Wonder About

Is later going to come? Sometimes I just can't help but wonder if a time will come when my life will start to change. 

See, my biggest fear has always been having a monotonous routine. However, the majority of the time it feels like I have a monotonous routine. I wake up every day, head to work, count down the hours, get back home, watch television, fall asleep, and then do it again the next day. 

Of course there are days off. I usually end up doing laundry, paying bills, or wrapped in a blanket when I really want to get in my car and drive off to a far away land where the unexpected is waiting for me. However, I can't just drive off because my bank account isn't set up that way. 

Okay, there are vacations I take, but the vacations are spread so far apart that they feel so planned out. When planned out so much, they start to feel a part of the routine. I hate routines. I want to wake up to something incredibly new everyday and be surprised by what I see so often. I want to be "wowed" and right now the only constant thing giving me that feeling is this internet world. For so long I've been told to wait until later for that feeling, those experiences, that man, but is later ever going to come? 

Am I messing up by chasing happiness? 
I went to New York City this summer of 2013 for the Blogging While Brown conference. Do you know what it feels like to be around so many people with dreams just like yours? It's amazing. This year I also bought a Macbook Pro. I've been wanting a Mac computer since my college journalism days. Those were the only computers located in the SJGC (School of Journalism and Graphic Communication) building. For some reason having one of my own now makes me feel like more established as a writer. However, getting the two in the same year has done a little damage to my finances.

At one point I had a good amount of money in my savings. At the beginning of the year my savings was still pretty good. Now, it's been drained. People always say you can make that money back, but I'm also being realistic. We spend money faster than we make it. So while my mind was blown away with happiness with my new experiences this year, I'm also worried since I'm out of a lot of money and will plan to go back to New York next year. Will it put me in a better situation when I do it a second time? Will it prove that maybe I'm sabotaging myself in the process? 

Why does negativity stick in our minds more than the positive?
That has an easy answer. For every "You're beautiful" we hear 100 "You need to change this about yourself." For every "You did good" we hear a thousand "You messed up" comments. You get that point. 

How do I prevail through the negativity? 
The negativity doesn't always come in words. Sometimes it comes in the form of being drained. You can be drained form work, drained from having a lot of fun, drained from others dependence upon you, and sometimes not doing anything at all drains you. 

How does not doing anything at all drain you? You get so used to being hit with negative words, so used to being compliant with everything you're told, that you don't know how to change the circumstances. You become so complacent that you lose the power to fight back. How do you prevail before losing the will to even try? 

Am I meant to be alone? 
Friends can't always be around. I spend a good amount of time by myself. It's always been this way. My brothers are 10 and 15 years younger than me so it really has always been this way. My phone isn't being blown up. Maybe this life is meant for me to explore by myself and of course the friends I get so see every once in a while. 

Okay, this every minute of the day isn't what I need it to be, I'm grasping tightly to those moments that have taken my breath away and looking for the good moments that are to come. 

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