Sunday, October 6, 2013

When Vulnerability Feels Bad (Sunday Reflections) #27Confessions

Both The Car And I Need TLC
SHIT HAPPENS! So much unpredictable crazy stuff happens that I almost wanted to write this whole post in Kayne West caps locked style. However, you don't need to read this in all capital letters to understand that shit happens.

It's been so long since I've been able to throw praise to God for letting me having my weekends to myself. I work hard, so it's only right that I have enough time to play hard too. Well, I don't have every weekend back, but for the ones that I do get off now I'm trying to make them special. Yesterday was one of those days that I planned to use to it's fullest potential. The plan was to window shop throughout the nicest stores in areas of my city that I haven't really explored and possibly check out tattoo places. Contrary to popular belief and crazy gas prices, driving around and exploring is actually relaxing. That was the plan for the most part and it worked out until I was on my way home.

It started with a loud crash into the back of my vehicle that made me slightly hit my head on the car seat. It scared the hell out of me. I was in the turning lane near the highway waiting for on-coming traffic to clear, when the incident happened. Upon traffic clearing, I pulled into the nearest clearing to check out what had happened. Upon getting out of my car to look at it, the wind blew the car door shut and the keys were locked inside. The back of my car looked horrible, my head was slightly hurting, and the keys were locked in the car. It went from bad to worse in seconds.

The guy who hit me pulled up in the clearing right after. He was friendly, apologetic, and quickly gave me his insurance information. While this was happening I was calling my dad because of the issues at hand and had the guy call the police. The police didn't want to show up on the scene. Any other time they would be riding around just searching for victims to ticket, but this wasn't important enough. It took my dad approximately 25 minutes to arrive and a policeman came on the scene around that time. My car was deemed non-drivable and the friendly guy that hit me ended up getting a ticket. He also had another issue at hand because he couldn't find his drivers license, but that wasn't my problem. Mines was with my dad.

Do you have that problem where no matter how old you get or how responsible you prove yourself to be, people around you always treat you as if you are in the wrong? Maybe it's just me. This is when vulnerability starts to feel bad. I had to call my dad. He is ultimately the owner of the car. I'm just a registered driver. Who knew that at almost 27 I wouldn't be making enough money to handle rent payments, furniture monthly payments, and car insurance payments all at the same damn time? Yeah, unfortunately it's be dependent or don't have a car.

Okay, this is the point where the vulnerability of my phone call fell apart. My vehicle had been hit by another one. It was shaken up. It was absolutely scary. The accident was clearly not my fault, but the minute I told my dad he started talking about insurance premiums rising if it was. He wanted to go into how after so many accidents an insurance company can drop a person. He wanted to blame me for the accident. It wasn't my fault, but I started to feel bad for even calling him. I had to be vulnerable because by the time the police investigated they deemed my car non-drivable, but I was already feeling bad for even trying to take control of the day by going out. It got worse.

I should be grateful that my dad has an extra car I can drive until everything gets straightened out with the insurance companies. I really am. However, the criticism of my driving skills that I could clearly see made me feel even more horrible. It wasn't the way my dad lectured me on paying attention when driving, even though clearly it was the person who hit me that needed the lecture. It was how they all (dad, mom, and cousin) watched me as I backed out of the drive way in the borrowed car. Why were they judging me so hard?

And once again I regret having to be vulnerable. It's my birthday month, so I'm revealing to you some of my deepest thoughts. I'll be 27 on the 30th, but by then I hope to have a better grasp on controlling my feelings during times where my vulnerability aren't accepted with comforting arms.

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