Friday, March 9, 2012

A Love Fell For, A Broken Heart Never Mended

It was a surreal moment as we said our goodbyes. This was the final time we'd see each other, the final time we'd play the game. There had been many friendly meetings out in public, many lust filled moments behind closed doors, and lots of months of not even speaking before one of us would involuntarily pop up in the other's life again. The last time someone would reappear would be the summer of 2010. 

Picture this: Summer of 2010, several interested men, a Bachelor's degree in hand, some mysterious problem with the economy that left millions jobless, several rejection letters from jobs, and a broken heart searching for more pain. 

I found my pain in the club one random day in May. There were several of us partying, one I knew for sure. She was my friend and had been trying to get me to relax for the last couple years, so there we were headed to the bar. It was about to be my second or third cup of some strong, but free alcoholic beverage. I wasn't on the road to drunk, but I would take the exist soon. 

As the bar came into view, a hand grabbed me halting the mission. I turned and it was him. My  happy, carefree attitude began to change into surprise. He spoke. I responded without thinking about what was coming out of my mouth. The memories I had worked so hard to forget started to reappear. He was still the same; smooth light skinned complexion, muscles from working out, the pretty boy look. His voice still sounded the same and the smell of his cologne drew me back in. 

I became nervous, but remembered to smile. It was loud, so we had to get close for conversation. The closeness brought back forbidden memories. I don't know if it was the alcohol or the memories, but I backed off. A story of how my friends were waiting for me slipped out of my mouth and before he could respond I was gone. However, it came too late. He had my mind once again. 

While I was with friends, he was with some girl. Later I would discover she was some girl that was trying to upgrade to his girlfriend. There were no plans of getting drunk that night, but seeing him after a while and then noticing he was with a girl increased the need for alcohol. 

During this same summer two men were trying to spend time with me and a friend was trying to hook me up with some guy. I gave all guys equal attention, but he popped into my mind from time to time. Then came the final day in June where we would meet up for the last time. 

It started with the internet. Either he wrote me on instant messenger or my emotional wreck of a mind started up. We planned the day to see each and then I instantly regretted it. In an odd, non-sensical way I hoped he would forget. The tomboy-ish side of me didn't need if the really girly part could handle the emotional roller coaster I was getting ready to ride again. 

Day of he comes over, shit happens, and we talk after. I always found it weird when some guy wanted to have conversation after a sexual encounter, but that's a story for another time. During this conversation I find out about his possible future girlfriend. He discovers that I'll be moving soon. He tries to build me up with this talk about how successful he thinks I'll be. I try to do the same for him, but it's not where my talent lays. Instead laughter ensues.

His laughter is warm, but by this time his presence bothers me. What are we doing? Did he just say he's talking to some girl and thinking about an actual commitment with her? Somehow or another the conversation leads to his heading out the door. We then say our awkward goodbyes. 

"Good bye. This is the final time. We'll never see each other again. Hope you have a nice life."

Our last words were corny, but the tears that came out once he had walked through the door were real. I cried my eyes out that night trying to figure out what had happened over the past couple years. 

I didn't hide this guy from the world and he wasn't trying to hide. My best friend knew about him. They were acquaintances. My long term roommate met him. He introduced himself to her and her friends. Others knew that we knew each other. However, how we met and managed to get into each other's heart is a mystery. 

What did we really have in common? Did any of our friends influence this? What was so attractive about him? Out of all the women in Tallahassee why my heart? Why my body?  I never liked hugging a man, because somewhere deep down it would trigger a feeling of comfort. Maybe it's true. You can't help who you fall in love with after you've spent enough time with them. 

I never saw him again. One day we would both be able to move on. As a man he would do it sooner. As the next man appeared in my life, memories of him became less vivid. However, my heart was never the same. 

I don't know why I worded this the day I did. I'm only 25. My heart may repair one day and forget what pain feels like.

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