Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Point Where Ambition Meets Doubt

True Story: The more reality stars expose themselves on television the more they open themselves up to new possibilities.

An example is Evelyn Lozada of Basketball Wives. When we first started watching her all we knew is that she was the ex fiance of some former basketball player. However, the woman has grown. For the past few years Evelyn has owned her own store. I'm not sure what exactly she sells, but it is featured throughout Basketball Wives every now and then. Evelyn has also become good at putting slogans on t-shirts and making profits off of them. Her latest venture involves being among the big names of authors to write under Cash Money Content, Bryan Birdman Williams latest money making venture. Yes! Evelyn, a woman known for being a bully on television, now has the title of author to her name. Well, soon she will. She has grown as a person.

Growth, after all, is our reason for living, right? Some people make new experiences by traveling around the world. Some guy recently wrote on twitter about how his mom always told him to see the world when he was growing up. Then at 23 he stood at the top of a mountain in a foreign country for the first time. It was his way of growing up. On top of that, some woman recently wrote an amazing blog post about how she's grown since the day she tried to commit suicide years ago. Well, the post was about her new inspiring tattoo, but it showed how her thinking had expanded.

Every day I read about the achievements people all around the world are making and the achievements people have already made. For instance, I love reading the profiles of women with natural hair. Their courage is so cool and maybe I can learn something. I make sure to read at least one lifestyle blog. Those blogs are always offering ways that can help people move their lives on to the next level. It's weird though.

As much as I like to be inspired, I'm afraid of elevation. There was one point where I was filled with lots of hope. That hope involved my writing dreams blossoming over time, the man of my dreams finding his way into my life at an early age, and knowing there were people being inspired by my actions. One day in one instance everything changed.

I can't tell you the moment my confidence began to falter. It just slowly dropped. The dream man became just another good dream. The writing dreams began to disappear with all the negative comments. The dream of wanting to inspire people the way Iyanla Vanzant does disappeared real fast. How can you inspire when those close to you don't even believe in your goals? Why do people plan out your life according their wants instead of what they know you really need? It's not just those that love you. It is also the magazines that talk about the highest paying jobs. It's the strangers that are waiting to take your position.

I'm afraid of elevation. I'm afraid of growing in an area that I have to struggle extra hard in just to end up sad in the end. Sure, there's money in any kind of achievement, but what if lots of money doesn't make you happy? I'm afraid of waking up one day and not recognizing who I am or where I am. In a way that is a growth. It's called working extra hard just to look at the mirror and become a stranger.

I'm also afraid of following my heart. What if my heart is wrong? What if I do everything it takes to achieve the goals I'm setting for myself just to fail over and over again? What if the failure leaves me a lonely old woman? Will I regret it? I'm afraid of doing what I feel is right. Sometimes it seems as if maybe everyone else could be right and I'm really wrong.

I'm afraid of where I am right now. This is the point where ambition meets doubt.

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