Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sunday Reflections: Where Are The Options?

The keys to the 2010 Huyndai Accent were gone. I could not find them anywhere.

That car was a pretty one made just for me. It was my first and only car to date that I could think of. That day at the car lot while glancing over my options it was the only one that stood out. It wasn't exactly special. It was a regular car surrounded by other Accents that deemed themselves more boring. It's cotton candy blue just glowed in the afternoon sun and said "Stop playing. You know you want to drive me." Although it stood out, my dad originally liked the red so we looked over it first. Since the red Accent was missing music, we went right back to that bright blue car that had my name written all over it. Well, when really thinking about it the car wasn't my choice. It was not a real option. That bright blue Huyndai Accent was the only car on that lot that someone else thought was good enough for me. I just went with the flow. However, on this particular day no matter how hard I looked for the keys to the car they were nowhere in sight. The option to drive was gone. The only move left to make was walk.

$50 and some change. That's all I heard the automated message system of Bank of America say. There was only fifty dollars and some change left in my account. It was the only account I owned, but wait. What happened to that nice savings account I'd opened and put tons of money in? Why did I hear nothing about it? Plus that cozy job I settled for was paying me a comfortable about of money every week. Where'd the money go? I was confused, but then I stared at the phone I was using. It was a regular flip phone with no internet service. There was no nice blackberry resting comfortably in my hands. There was just a regular T-Mobile sign that alerted me to the fact that I wasn't paying my own bill. It also made me realize that I was not independent. The dependence level was high. I was in need of a phone bill being paid, more money in my bank account, and someone to help me pay rent. The dependence level was higher than I'd ever imagined it would be, but what happened to the job I'd worked so hard for? Where was it? Why was I home thinking of all these issues and not at some desk feeling bored to death? $50 and some change and my only option was to beg for some more.

Loneliness called my name, but I didn't want to answer. It would only bring more loneliness. My heart couldn't handle it, so I grabbed my phone and searched for the options. There were several, but his name stood out most. He was similar to the others I'd met. A college student majoring in money motivation, a hustler not afraid to get what he wanted, a man who feared relationship commitment. I called and he came over. It was lust at first sight, but would end in another sad love song. As he left all I saw was his back. It was just like the others. They turned on me and then forgot I existed. Why did it have to happen that way? What happened to my option to be innocent? Why did he lack the option to actually care?  Actually maybe it was meant to be that way. I was never aggressive toward him. It was the other way around. He and the others before managed to dig up enough courage to approach. Approaching turned into good times and then good times eventually lead to heartache. It was never my option. It just happened that way.

As I walked to the door everything flashed before my eyes. The car was not there. My bank account was being controlled by someone else. The phone I depended on was not under my name. Plus to top it off the men were gone. I was alone.

One step forward, one step backward.

Slowly but surely everything's beginning to be in my name. The car that I drive has my name on it. The bank account controlled only by me has money being deposited regularly in it. The job has given me a badge that displays my full name. There is at least one man in my past that willingly decided to make me a part of his past. The change is there. Progress has been made, but then why am I still searching for the options?

  • The next car to own
  • Making more money
  • Living alone
  • Meeting a better man

Where are the options?

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