Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Dear Best Sex & Love Life I've Never Had #TwitterSexEd

Recently I was on twitter and the topic of sex came up. See, for those of you whose parents never sat you down and gave you the talk, twitter has become the perfect place to learn all about sex. Even if you've had 5, 500, of 5,000 partners already you can still learn more by tweet watching. Actually the more you read, the more you'll feel like a virgin again, or is that just me? You can also learn a lot about love. There are many of us who still have cold sides of the bed, so the following letter is dedicated to you and me.

Dear Best Sex And Love Life I've Never Had,
I need you in my life. I used to think special sex was just me being with the man of my dreams. We'd have scheduled sex because of our busy schedules and always make it quick. I'd have to settle for being unsatisfied because he wouldn't last long, but I'd suck it up. Someone once told me that eventually you pick a man and stick with him for the rest of your life whether you really like him or not. However, then I discovered twitter and discovered all that I am missing in the world.

Those are at least five times a week sex, being awaken out of my sleep sex, period sex, ass eating, a man preferring eating me out over eating actual food, and $200 dates. See, I imagine that the man I'm going to be having all this sex with is going to be spending a whole bunch of money on me and twitter teaches you that $200 dates are the minimum. 

I need $200 dates in my life and a man that'll settle for sandwich making. According to the internet men are out here giving out engagement rings after their women make a certain amount of sandwiches. I can't cook that good, so this is exciting. There are also men hanging with the women they like even when they are not about to have sex on that day. At least that's what the world wide web is saying. I need that too. 

Actually I need all that the internet is talking about and more. Well, I don't need the overly jealous men. Some other woman can have them. So best sex and love life I've never had, I imagine this is what you're composed of. When will you come to me? 


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