Sunday, June 5, 2011

Sunday Reflections: What Makes Me So Desirable?

(Written By A Girl With Too Much On Her Mind)

I'm about to get way too personal. I have a job interview tomorrow and the thought of it is making me crazy. I've talked to too many people about this issue and there still isn't a solid solution of how to handle it. By that I mean if it's the right position more me, if I'm the right person for it, and how to act when I go in for that damn interview. Shoot, I don't even have the job yet. As a person who is always studying others, I've learned that the best thing to do is be you. If you try to be like others you blend in and become a shadow, a stalker, a follower, invisible. However, depending on the interviewer you can't always be yourself. In fact you have to figure out what makes you so desirable and that's what I'm struggling with right now, but it goes far past a job interview. In work, relationships, and lonely times I ask myself this question over and over. What makes me so desirable?

In the last 24 years of my life people have given me many reasons to think about this question. Most of those involved insults and criticisms. Ask anyone and you'll find out those two words have different meanings. I've been criticized about my weight, height, style of clothes, hairstyle choices, found out that my skin color makes me less than beautiful (in someone's eyes), and found out that my personality is not good for every occasion. So basically I've been torn apart head to toe. You ever had a friend claim that you were cool, but then wanted to change you? Has a man ever told you that you were perfect, but then requested a million things from you so you could be better in his eyes? Has your family ever called you beautiful and smart and then turned around and called you the weirdest thing on earth? Yeah, so you understand me.

Then after being emotionally ripped apart you have to go on a job interview or even a date. After the job interview you find out that you've gotten the job. For real!!! They liked you, but you have absolutely no clue what you did for them to like you. Too many people have told you that you absolutely suck and should consider something else. Or maybe you didn't get the job. Then you have to reevaluate actions to figure out how you can become desirable?

There's also the date. You talk to a  man and he's trying to get into your brain. He wants to know EVERY thing about you and you hesitate to tell him. However, once he's gotten to know you he loves you, but wait. Why does he? Aren't you too weird? Not only does he love your thoughts, but he loves how you look physically. But why? Society is saying something's wrong with your skin. I'm tired of talking in second person. People have told me I'm too skinny all my life. Why would he like that? When my hair isn't black, brown, or blonde why would he appreciate that? Continuously I hear jokes about my height, but he's content. He celebrates what others see as flaws in and on me. Why?

What makes me so desirable to the interviewer or that man? Hell, what makes my family continue to put smiles on their faces when they see me? I can think of a million reasons why I would be desirable: my height, weight, skin color, skills, very out-of-control eccentric thoughts, and style that is unlike any other. These are actually the same reasons why someone might see might as not desirable, or weird. Actually I could see why one person would be interested in me, but with some many negative thoughts stuck in my head because of 24 long years of taking them in, the question can't help but sneak into my mentality.

(What kinds of insults have been thrown your way over your lifetime? Do you ever struggle with trying to figure out why'd you'd be likeable?)


  1. desire comes from perception imo

  2. when I told ppl my dreams & aspirations for the future they always said i wouldnt make it bc im a black girl from a single parent home from the south and to just do something closer to home. I used it for motivation to push myself harder. I also always got the comments about weight. Then one summer I gained 10 pounds. Some people said i was fat, some people said i finally looked normal and i said forget it, no ones opinion about it matters.