Thursday, August 29, 2013

Lashuntrice Vs. Lashuntrice (Inspired By R&B Divas) #31WriteNow

I wanted to talk about the Divalogues that were shown on R&B Divas LA season finale. Did you watch?

These monologues featured Lil Mo, Chante Moore, Claudette Ortiz, and Michel'le. No one knew what to expect. At least I wasn't prepared for the show these four women put on. I did know that they would be touching on the deepest of personal issues. However, once they began everything flowed powerfully. I was in awe, but was able to relate to each story at the same time.

Lil Mo Vs. Cynthia reminded me of my own struggles with being myself versus being who I was raised to be. Chante Moore made me reminisce on this journey to finding love. Claudette Ortiz made me reflect on the loss of self worth and whether I've gotten it back. Michel'le swam the deepest by talking about a suicide attempt that only led to a little more than half a day of sleep. Each story was powerful, but made me reflect on my own struggles. I call the following Lashuntrice Vs. Lashuntrice.

Lashuntrice Vs. Lashuntrice 
There is Lashuntrice The Parent Pleaser. As a kid she is taught success is the way. Read to learn. Speak properly. Lose the accent and slang. Get no less than A's. Stay out of trouble. When teased, tell the teacher. Don't fight. Only focus on church and school. Be a good girl. The parent pleasure doesn't know how to fight. She doesn't know how to stand up for herself. She hides behind books. She stays quiet. She runs to no one out of fear that no one will care. Her success to everyone else is staying to herself. She tries to take her lessons into adulthood. The kids don't tease. There are adult bullies. Success isn't easy. There are real failures. Lashuntrice is a pleaser. She doesn't know how to stand up for herself. She is continually backed into a wall. She feels voiceless. She feels there is no one she can share her tears with. She has failed at pleasing her parents and in essence fails at pleasing everyone else. 

Then there is Lashuntrice The Independent Woman. As a kid she was curious about the world. So she started reading and taking in the news. What 10 year old reads Stephen King? What 10 year old watches 60 Minutes? As a teen she progressed more into her own world. She knew she wanted to become a writer. She knew she wanted to leave her environment. She knew she'd one day start to explore possibilities that leaving has to offer. But other teens thought she was weird. Why is that girl Lashuntrice so reserved? She didn't give a damn. She just ignored them. As an adult it's not teens judging her. It's other adults. The independent woman fights to maintain her self worth. The independent woman spends her own money to dive more into her first and only love. The independent woman doesn't care about pleasing anyone. 

However, Lashuntrice The Independent Woman and The Parent Pleaser are the same person. They often clash and when they do, times get rough. Even when Lashuntrice knows herself, sometimes it's hard for her to know herself. Does she sit still because one of her parents told her that's the best option? Does she risk spending all she's saved up for a once-a-year opportunity to learn something new and visit a new place? Does she settle for being disconnected from the world for 8 hours at a time behind a desk? Does she put those research skills she is so good at to work to find out what is going on with everyone else? If only I could put one side of me to use and be totally satisfied...

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