Sunday, July 21, 2013

Revising The Plans Because of A Man (Sunday Reflections)

With one question he made me rethink everything. How did I get to that point?

The future was looking brighter. I went to a brand new place this year and it was all paid for by me. The lovely expensive New York City showed me careers and a happiness I never knew existed. There were people out on the streets and making business connections just because they wanted to be there. They had made it. There were also people trying to make it like me. I wasn't alone.

I met like-minded people. I was surrounded by writers of all kinds. There were the political writers, the fashion writers, the authors, and those fascinated with everything entertainment. There were more, but it was overwhelming trying to connect with everyone. It was a dream come true to just be surrounded by all these people; especially since in the last couple years I had only been surrounded by people talking negative about my talent and goals. Oh, and it was fun.

I networked and then ran the streets of New York City. That restaurant Red Roosters will always have a special place in my heart, because they put shrimp inside grits. I didn't get to go to Museum of Sex, but I saw where it was located. I freely drank alcohol with no worries of getting in a car and driving drunk. If you didn't know, most of the time I'm running around everywhere alone. I didn't feel lonely even though I went by myself.

I had to come back, but there was still a natural high in my heart. There was a feeling that life does get better. Life is more than living paycheck to paycheck. Life is more than having to kiss ass everywhere I go. I don't always have to bow down to every man in fear that if I back off he'll put his hands on me. I don't have to party with other women just to say I do have friends. I'm a loner anyway. I don't have to put anyone else's feelings ahead of mine all the time. Lashuntrice bruises and bleeds too. I don't have to wait on everyone else. The phone works both ways. Wait..

I was riding on that natural high. Even in moments of being knocked down, I just reminded myself it's not always going to be this way. One day I'll be in the position of choosing to knock someone else down. I'll be in the position of whether to remind someone that they are not always good enough. I'll be in the position of not acknowledging what that other person really wants. Wait..

Years ago I wrote two different poems about being the other woman. Those poems were written based on the feelings of someone else. At least, it was how I interpreted the words that girl told me. I had never experienced being the side chick. At that point in my life, I was always trying to make sure I was so unique no one would ever push me to the side. They'd be forced to put me first and make me the only important person in their life.

However, weeks ago the one man I thought would eventually forget about me made his very disrespectful request. He wanted to see me for sex, but on his Facebook for the last two months his relationship status with whoever she is was out there for all eyes to see. This means he was trying to turn me into a side chick.

After all my efforts to get away from men who only want sex, after all my efforts to work harder at my passion, and after all these efforts to make life better for me he could see nothing but a sex object. I started to rethink everything.

I'm one of those women that take how men approach me and compare it to every other part of my life. I start to think of how corporate America looks at me, how my family look at me, and how strangers on the street treat me.

Am I just someone everyone keeps to the side for emergencies because they know they can use me? I must be easily used for a taken man to request anything from me. I don't mess with other people's relationships, so why would anyone think that I'd want to do it? Is my dominant voice not loud enough? How much more do I have to scream what I want to happen? I don't want to be taken advantage of in any area of my life.

I'm rethinking everything now. Maybe this isn't about him. Maybe it's the fact that 30 is closer to 3 years away instead of 4. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that a year from now I'll be in the same damn place with nothing done to better myself. Maybe I just think too damn much, but you get the point.

1 comment :

  1. Dreams and aligning them with those in line with our interests