Sunday, April 21, 2013

Admitting (Sunday Reflections)

Yesterday Iyanla Vanzant tweeted a powerful message. Almost every message that comes from her resonates deep, but this one touched me to the core. 

It said "Until you are ready to admit to yourself exactly what it is that you want, you will experience confusion." 

Most of my life I've felt confused. I've been confused about whether I was supposed to be the one practically stalking everyone else to keep in touch. This has been a major factor with friends and family. You ever notice how when you stop calling folks, they don't try to contact you at all? I try not to stress this too much. Those people will continue to stray further away. Maybe that's how it is meant to be.

I've been confused about goals. How can God give a person such a powerful gift, but others never try to help nurture it? Maybe it's just a myth, but it seems as if African Americans over all don't like to push each other towards our actual talents. We'd rather just take what we can get, even if that does nothing for us in the long run.

I've been confused about feelings. For a good part of my life there was no one to talk to when I felt anything other than happy. Want to know a secret? I still feel some type of way that my blood dad has never cared about me. He's never made any effort to really ask me about myself. Although my step dad has raised me, he's never taken the time to get to know the real me either. I used to be a mama's girl, but that changed too. Around middle school I learned to shut others out of my feelings and very few people have tried to break through that wall.

At 26 I'm confused about all that I want. Some of this confusion is because of money. How can a girl that has very little money want anything? But I do want a lot and I'm ready to admit it.

I want to be published. This goal has been a long time coming. Every other year I come up with a book title, put a manuscript together, and then hide it away. This time the manuscript I'm working on will be self published.

I want to eventually move. I fell in love with Las Angeles upon visiting during my 25th birthday. Before that I had already made up my mind that one day I will live there. That's not changing. I'm moving one day.

I want to be a photographer. Photography used to be one of the best things. Then I started encountering people (friends) who claimed to not like pictures. It ruined my groove. However, I still have a million pictures on instagram and more throughout the internet that I took myself. Plus every year I upgrade to a more expensive camera. One day photographer will be a title. The pictures will be seen as more than a hobby.

I want love. Sometimes when I'm in deep thought some guy will text something either sexual or shallow. At that point it doesn't entice me at all. I need more. I need a guy I can open up to. I need a guy I can spill all these ideas to. I need a guy who will let me express my creative freedom. I need to meet that man I can start a family with.

There's more, but these weigh heavily on my mind. Now that they've been put in writing, how much longer will the confusion last? 2013 is turning into a year of questions. I need answers at to how to make it all work.

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