Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Searching For An Internal Crazy

His goal is suicide from the top of a huge building. He wants to ensure that when he goes its a successful ending. So in the middle of a Wednesday he picks a place downtown crowded with workers. As he goes, he wants to have an audience. 

While his ending will be lonely, he doesn't want to go alone. His younger sister was alone when she overdosed on Tylenol pills two years ago. A part of her had already died on a doctors operating table two years before when she was forced to have an abortion by her ex boyfriend. She felt like she had no one to depend on.

Five years before that his parents ended their lives together. They had lost custody of their children because of their overpowering addiction to drugs. In their last moments they made a drink mix known as the purple drank. It contained a liquid prescription the mom had been given when diagnosed with pneumonia, codeine, and promethazine. They really just wanted to feel good. Something went wrong. Maybe they mixed the concoction wrong or maybe they just drank way too much. Their bodies were found days later. 

Those were the only family members he had. He didn't feel as if he had any friends. All his life he had been trying to please people. He wanted to make his parents happy on his first day of preschool. He wanted to fit in with the other kids. In middle school when everyone else seemed to be gaining new perspectives about themselves, he wanted to come up with something knowledgable about himself too. Who was he at 12, 13, and 14 years old? At 14 he was the kid who had been snatched away from his family by child protective services. All the new kids around him treated him as if he was an outsider. He loved to read. They hated him. He wanted to talk. They wanted to shut him up. He wanted to be someone. They told him he would always be a nobody. 15 years later he couldn't take it anymore. 

The building had 16 flights of stairs. He used the last of his energy to climb up every staircase. The elevator would have been easier. However, his journey did not have easy written anywhere in it. He found the entrance to the rooftop. Upon opening it an alarm was set off. Employees stopped what they were doing to investigate. The ones closer used the staircase. The ones further went outside and looked around until he was spotting standing on the edge of the building. Soon there were people screaming for him to not jump. A security guard was nearby trying to convince him to come back. He had what he had needed all his life. Someone claiming they finally needed him around. Although they didn't need him. He took one more second to enjoy to attention he was getting and then he jumped. 

No one would know his life story. No one would know the effort he made to plan out his death. However, they did know that he had to be internally fucked up. 

Every successful person has an internal craziness inside of them. Love & Hip Hop's K. Michelle expresses her craziness through songs. For instance in her How To Love Remix, K. Michelle takes us through how her past relationships have left her feeling straight up crazy when it comes to how to love. 

Or Kimberly Elise. She's an excellent actress, but almost every role she has played has been that of an internally messed up woman. Remember the movie Beloved? Or Woman Art Though Loose? The list goes on and on. He characters have been so powerfully crazy that anyone watching would only assume something in her past left her internally fucked up. 

See, I've come to the conclusion that all successful people have an internal crazy. Actors express it through the roles. Singers express it through their voices. Comedians hide their craziness with comedy. Writers show how crazy they are through their words. However, in order to get to that success they all have to learn how to take that internal crazy and show the atmosphere what they have to offer. 

This is my goal. I'm searching for the internally fucked up part of me, so one day I shall be a success too. 

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