Sunday, February 12, 2012

Sunday Reflections: The Day The Bad Girl Became Afraid Of Being Bad

Right after losing my virginity my first thought was "It could have been so much better." I was young and didn't know what I was doing. Even more, there was a fear in my heart that kept me from pretending to know. That fear stemmed from so many messages being thrown my way growing up. Many of these came from what I heard in church, what school students were saying around me, the reactions of men when in the midst of sexual activity, and how my parents reacted whenever there was a hint of anything sexual going on whether in a movie or a conversation. I was a heavy listener, because I was trying hard to learn everything I needed to know in order to be perfect. Well, recently I found out something that was holding my sexual perfection back. It has to do with the moments I was taught that being a bad girl was horrible and being a good girl was much better.

I'm a sexual woman. I love being a sexual woman. When people look at me I want them to see a woman that is in control of her sexuality. I want to be in control of my sexuality. When looking in the mirror at all times I want to feel sexy, beautiful, and alive. Stating how I want to see myself is the first exercise in the book "The Good Girl's Guide To Bad Girl's Sex," by Dr. Barbara Keesling. Exercise two in the book is dedicated to defining moments in my good girl history.

One example the doctor uses is a girl blossoming into a woman and abandoning wearing a bra. The moment the girl decides that she's comfortable without a bra is the moment she becomes a bad girl and develops a relationship with her sexuality. She is comfortable in her sexuality until her mom discovers what she is doing. Her mom then puts fear in her by telling her she's being bad and forces her to wear a bra. Good girls always wear bras. Her mother's words affected the way she walks, talks, and even dresses for years.

The Day The Bad Girl Became Afraid
I've had several moments that turned me into more of a good girl. Well, these moments really made me afraid of being bad. They made me think that my ideas were bad in a horrible way. So for years I hid under my fears. One moment that made me afraid was a day during my teen years when I received a phone call. The call came from a girl who lived down the street. She and her sister had guests over and they wanted me to go to their house. I would have gone anyway, but they added that there was a guy there that wanted to see me. The guy was someone who went to my high school that I had never really thought of before. In fact I didn't even think of him as cute. However, as a girl that was coming into her sexuality I was willing to go see him. I let them know that I was coming, but my mom was against me going. She had lots to say.
"You can't go to a boy."
"What if they are just trying to use you?"
"What if he plans to rape you?"
"Bad things could happen and you don't want that to happen."
It was odd. I had never thought of rape before, but I didn't want to be afraid. I told my mom I was mentally prepared for anything. Technically I was mentally prepared for whatever could go wrong. School had prepared me for the dangerous situations. However, I couldn't argue the point with my mom. She continued to talk angrily until she felt that she had convinced me. However, it wasn't the guy that made me decide that being a good girl was better. It was my mom.

I was afraid of what she would think of me if I was to go to a boy's house. I was afraid that her words would possibly one day come true. So I avoided going to any boys or men for years. Instead I allowed them to come to me. Even when I did develop the courage to go to a guy or do something he wanted very few people  knew. My mom wasn't one of them. I was afraid of her or someone else being disappointed and thinking of me as a bad girl in a negative way.

In a way I'm still stuck at "Good Girl." Even though I've made huge steps in my sexuality, I'm still afraid that at my happiest moment I'll reveal that I followed some man's lead and someone's words will make me feel terrible about my actions forever. Do you have memories any memories that effected how you view your sexual actions?

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