Wednesday, February 1, 2012

At Some Point I Changed

Recently I woke up and realized I had changed. The girl in the mirror that always stared back at me looked the same. She had the same skin tone, the same facial expressions, and the same height as always. Even though she experimented with make-up quite often at the end of every day she turned out looking the same.  My family and friends were the same people I had known forever. My house, the street I lived on, and the city that surrounded me had not changed a bit since I was young. But physically and mentally I couldn't help but feel like a big change had occurred.

The Physical Change
Physically I've changed. Some people may say I look the same as I did 10 years ago. I even weigh the same amount. However, over the years a change occurred. I started to yearn for physical affection; cuddling, hugging, recognition. There was a time when I wanted to be noticed by no one. I wanted to disappear into oblivion and live in my own little fantasy world by myself where no one would have any thing to say about my physical appearance. However, now I need the attention. I need the compliments, the hugs (well not from everyone), and the cuddling. 

The Emotional Change
There was a time where my emotions were like a mysterious bottle with a message in it floating at sea. They were easily bottled up and hidden from the world. If I ever cried it was at a time where everyone was sleep or no one was around. If I was ever happy it was known by very few people. I tried to hide my emotions to the highest extent because no one could relate to how I was feeling at any time. However, recently I woke up and realized I've changed. My emotions are now all over the place and everyone sees them. When I'm happy a smile sneaks onto my face during moments when I'm around too many people. When I'm sad the people that cause my tears are now way too close for me to put on a mask and hide until a perfect time. When I'm confused I hop on the computer and let friends and total strangers know all of my confusing thoughts. Noting is hidden anymore. 

Revealing The Dreamer
One fact that's never changed is that I'm a dreamer and always have been. However, 10 years ago it was easy to hide my dreams in between a made up story and some horribly written poetry. Back then I'd write my dreams out and then hide them under a pillow or in the middle of a notebook. Some knew where to find these dreams of mine, but they never tried. Instead they created their own dreams for me and I went along with what they were saying. However, that was then. Recently I woke up and realized I am a person with a personality. The world knows I'm a person with a distinct personality. The dreamer side of me is no longer hidden. 

Changing But Staying The Same
There's so much I want to write, but a part of me is still the same. That's the secretive girl that doesn't like everyone knowing her every thought. Parts of me will always remain a secret to the world. Some of my deepest experiences will always remain between me and whoever was involved at the time. The part of me that keeps changing will always remain the same. My emotions will continue to grow stronger and reveal 
themselves more often. The dreamer part of me will always be alive. One day I'll wake up and realized I've changed some more. 

Whether all this changing is good or bad remains to be known. Have you ever had a moment where you caught yourself having experiences that didn't feel like your life or made you feel as if you were finally growing up? 

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