Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sunday Reflections: In The Real World I'm Out Of Place

Usually silence was my friend, but at this particular moment it was extremely mad at me.

 In the past it represented peacefulness. I could daydream and create from the lack of words being spoken. A cute six foot man with the personality of a college educated Tupac would play with my imagination. My fingers would then lead me to create poetry and short stories filled with lustful moments just waiting to be created. However, on this day the sexy man and fantasies were nowhere to be found. Instead they were replaced with the extra loud silence.

The idea of creating a conversation about something, anything was very tempting. I wasn't alone. There was one other person sitting in the break room. However, within her silence I could tell she was entertained. She felt peace in the silence that was torturing me. I spoke anyway.

"Today is one of those extra long day," I said.

"Yeah," she responded without much enthusiasm. I had interrupted her solace. Now instead of extra loud silence there was awkwardness. It didn't take much for awkwardness to fill the air. All I needed was for someone to make me feel as if they'd rather not talk to me. Sometimes it was the look on their face when I realized they weren't interested in my topic of conversation. That look was soon to come.

"There's not much to do today," I said.

She looked at me. The stare was there. It said "Shut up. This is the real world. Get used to it." So I stopped talking. Silence greeted me again. This time it came with a vengeance. It made me feel terrible. Speaking was a mistake. Making conversation just wasn't meant to be.

In the midst of silence and boredom I searched for my fantasies. Tupac with a college degree was there. Creative fiction stories and poems were waiting for me to type them up. I met up with the girl who would attempt to see if he was the love of  her life through a lap dance. I met up with the broken-hearted girl that was ready to give up on black men, but was willing to be convinced one more time that a black man was the key to her heart. What was greeting me and would forever greet me was solace. Peace.

In the world of fantasy I find peace. However, in the real world I am forever out of place.

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